Friday, October 06, 2006

October 3rd show

We were unorganized and not prepared in the booths, which was me. We need to be prepared before the show with all the scripts so everyone is not reading off one. We were unenergized. Our level of perfromance was low. Everyone needs to take a nap before the show. Everyone have a great break

Johnny

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

oct 3rd show

this show did not go as well as hoped. We had alot of script time and we even ran out of time, but the enthusiasm wasnt as good as last week. I think everyone was looking forward to fall break, i know i was. im thinking the show in two weeks will be the best one yet cus we have so much time off. Hopefully we'll have everything set in days in advance. We need to make sure we all have the scripts ready to go so we dont have to all look on one.

I don't know what happened tonight, but we've done worse. Right? For some reason we had the biggest amount of technical difficulties ever and it just kept going down hill. There was some positve things that occured, like Gay date and other stuff. We have fall break to recuperate. So everyone get some rest and lets blow are last shows out of the water. That's a terrible metaphor but you guys know what I mean. Oh and those that are in my script please read over it.

tonights show

i think tonight wasn't too bad.... some technical difficulties put us back in time and we had to cut a script for this week. john, i'm sorry about that. it was hard to tell because everything was moving so fast and it was hard to concentrate.

now that we have two weeks until our next show, we have a lot of time to write some awesome scripts. John, we are def. gonna get you script in and i believe we are also concentrating on sara's script that we will have to record in advance.


have a good long weekend,

adrian

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

The Prophet Hebrew

Narrator: Seth a jew telling the story
Prophet: ME
Bush: Walker
Mother: Rich jwe ma
Jamal: Adrian Jamaican

Narrator: Once upon a time in a place far, far, away there was a young bar mitzvah who went by the name Abraham. Young Abraham was an only child raised to be a Jew and he proudly supported his heritage. He was not like the other young Jewish kids playing with draidles minding their own business. Abraham was different. He stood up for his people and fought off evil and ever since that day they called him the Prophet.

Prophet: Shabbat Shalom mother

Mother: Good morning my angel...

Prophet: So mother what’s for breakfast

Mother: Well first off Abraham I cant let you keep living like this... you are a grown man already… and still, you live with your mother... you know our neighbors the Goldstein’s… there son has already graduated law school and started a practice

Prophet: ma is that really necessary I was working on the JLN (Jewish League of Nations) most wanted list for the people who have created acts against the Jews... isn't that enough

Mother: of course sweat heart but, how about a real career like Benjamin Goldstein

Prophet: alright ma holy Moses what about the breakfast all ready

Mother: breakfast. fine dear, but after you eat I need you to run some errands for me

Prophet: but ma what about work!

Mother: work shmurk… go to the grocery store and get your bubala the things on the this list

Prophet: ok ma love you

Mother: bye son… have a nice day at the JLN… (break… then sigh) oyyy vey is my son ever going to grow up?

Narrator: As young Abraham set out for his day he began to realize his purpose in life and it was to continue to protect the Jewish people

Prophet: Oy govult! Why is my mother so crazy? I mean all I do are her chores go to the grocery store, pick up the laundrey, do the dishes, and blah blah blah…. Uhghhh Im sick of it, im sick of her…. She does know I do have a job and on top of this what is a young jew to do!

Narrator: While the Prophet was out bickering about his over protective mother a group of evil gouy’s were planning on anhilating the holiest jewish holiday yum-kippur

Prophet: (phone rings) (havlah nigila havlah nigila havlah) Shabot Shalom…

General Shlomo: Abraham we need your help! A group of gouy’s found out the true meaning of Yum-Kippur and are brainwashing innocent Jewish children through fox tv.

Prophet: oisha moisha this is bad news… I didn’t know that Jews watch fox

General Shlomo: That’s besides the point we need to get over to fox headquarters immediately and find out what is going on.

Prophet: Yes shlomo… ill be there right away…

Narrator: Three Hours later

(Phone Rings)

Prophet: Shalom!
General: Abraham where are you!

Prophet: Its my mother I had to pick up the groceries before I saved the holiday… shes got a very tight leash on me you know… I am living in her house its my responsibility to do these chores… but I do have a job, I mean I work, I sleep, and certaintly bring income why cant she do these simple things… while kids are being brainwashed im in line at Katz’s waiting for some lox… this is misha gos

General: ughhhhh… ABRAHAM GET OVER HERE!

Prophet: yes shlomo!

Narrator: Finally… Abraham arrives at the JLN to save yom-kippor

Prophet: Shlomo whats the latest…

General: Well we have to get to fox and find out who’s behind this evil

Prophet: Cant we all just get along!

Narrator: As Abraham was planning his attack he realized he would need help from the kwanza coalition group

Prophet: Yo Jamal its Abraham the prophet

Jamal: Abe hows it goin!

Prophet: Not so hot I mean did you hear whats airing on fox!?

Jamal: Aint that about a BITCH!

Prophet: Yes indeeddy it quite a predicament

Jamal: Well what do you want from

Prophet: Well the Jewish League of Nations are playing influential jewish movies across the air on all other channels but, fox has figured out how to draw in the Jews attention

Jamal: how Abraham

Prophet: Through non usage of commercials

Jamal: Is that why Jews love HBO

Prophet: precisely

Jamal: well lets shake leg and brake open that joint

Prophet: you’re a mench jamal lets kick the gouy out of em’

Narrator: Jamal and Abraham head over to fox and see secret service agents crawling all over the place

Jamal: Yo Abe they like millions of secret service all over this joint

Prophet: this fakakta governement is probably involved what to do… what to doo…

Jamal: Calm down Abe take your inhaler (sound of inhaler) 1.2.3.4.5.6.7.8.9.10… betta?

Prophet: Much

Jamal: Through the binoculars I can see that they have a stereotype alarm so Abe don’t pick up change if it drops… if theres an air bar inside share the air… and don’t forget cover up your horns

Prophet: horns? That aint true it is just a myth among the WASPY characters in this country that don’t even know how to read write or moses knows whatelse
Jamal: sorry abe but you what I mean

Abe: lets kick the anti-semtisim out of em’

Narrator: As Abe and jamal walk in, there is a basketball court on the right and Jamal couldn’t resist….

Prophet: Jamaaaaaaallllllll knooooooooooooooooo

Alarm: Brotha Alert Brotha Alert Brotha Alert

Jamal: lets scram

Prophet: Im leaving just like before the check comes for dinner

Jamal: Is that president bush?

Prophet: OMG! It is!

Bush: Hello Jamal and Abe I’ve been expecting you!

Prophet: President Bush you will not get away with this

Jamal: Yea you egotistical maniac give the Jews back there children

Bush: Just because there kind can’t resist free televesion and even if that free tele is brainwashing material just means im smarter than you all actually thought… hahahahahahahahahah

Prophet: Lets get em’

Narrator: As Abe chases bush around jamal goes and switches the tape to Danny Kaye’s act as the joker in the movie the Court Jester

Prophet: Mr. President you are under arrest on crimes against the Jews… you have any last words for yourself
Bush: Well… Yes your kind had WMD’s and I had to take preemptive measures against your kind just like I did in Iraq and im going to do in Iran

Prophet: Well Bush your time is done your going to Isreal’s toughest prison… prison whina shlieden.

Narrarator: president bush did not get what he wanted instead at whina shlieden the president received the worst punishment of all… the jewish complaining slash whining slash guilt trip punishment

Bush: pleaaasseee no more… I promise I will discontinue my preemptive strikes on any colture

Phone ringing

Prophet: Shalom

Jamal: Hey mannn hows it going in Isreal

Prophet: Ok jamal

Jamal: sorry about that alarm back there mann I saw basketball and picked up ball sorry mann

Prophet: No problem you’re a mench jamal I love you

Jamal: peace my brotha… shaloomm alaecha

The Prophet Hebrew

Narrator: Seth a jew telling the story
Prophet: ME
Bush: Walker
Mother: Rich jwe ma
Jamal: Adrian Jamaican

Narrator: Once upon a time in a place far, far, away there was a young bar mitzvah who went by the name Abraham. Young Abraham was an only child raised to be a Jew and he proudly supported his heritage. He was not like the other young Jewish kids playing with draidles minding their own business. Abraham was different. He stood up for his people and fought off evil and ever since that day they called him the Prophet.

Prophet: Shabbat Shalom mother

Mother: Good morning my angel...

Prophet: So mother what’s for breakfast

Mother: Well first off Abraham I cant let you keep living like this... you are a grown man already… and still, you live with your mother... you know our neighbors the Goldstein’s… there son has already graduated law school and started a practice

Prophet: ma is that really necessary I was working on the JLN (Jewish League of Nations) most wanted list for the people who have created acts against the Jews... isn't that enough

Mother: of course sweat heart but, how about a real career like Benjamin Goldstein

Prophet: alright ma holy Moses what about the breakfast all ready

Mother: breakfast. fine dear, but after you eat I need you to run some errands for me

Prophet: but ma what about work!

Mother: work shmurk… go to the grocery store and get your bubala the things on the this list

Prophet: ok ma love you

Mother: bye son… have a nice day at the JLN… (break… then sigh) oyyy vey is my son ever going to grow up?

Narrator: As young Abraham set out for his day he began to realize his purpose in life and it was to continue to protect the Jewish people

Prophet: Oy govult! Why is my mother so crazy? I mean all I do are her chores go to the grocery store, pick up the laundrey, do the dishes, and blah blah blah…. Uhghhh Im sick of it, im sick of her…. She does know I do have a job and on top of this what is a young jew to do!

Narrator: While the Prophet was out bickering about his over protective mother a group of evil gouy’s were planning on anhilating the holiest jewish holiday yum-kippur

Prophet: (phone rings) (havlah nigila havlah nigila havlah) Shabot Shalom…

General Shlomo: Abraham we need your help! A group of gouy’s found out the true meaning of Yum-Kippur and are brainwashing innocent Jewish children through fox tv.

Prophet: oisha moisha this is bad news… I didn’t know that Jews watch fox

General Shlomo: That’s besides the point we need to get over to fox headquarters immediately and find out what is going on.

Prophet: Yes shlomo… ill be there right away…

Narrator: Three Hours later

(Phone Rings)

Prophet: Shalom!
General: Abraham where are you!

Prophet: Its my mother I had to pick up the groceries before I saved the holiday… shes got a very tight leash on me you know… I am living in her house its my responsibility to do these chores… but I do have a job, I mean I work, I sleep, and certaintly bring income why cant she do these simple things… while kids are being brainwashed im in line at Katz’s waiting for some lox… this is misha gos

General: ughhhhh… ABRAHAM GET OVER HERE!

Prophet: yes shlomo!

Narrator: Finally… Abraham arrives at the JLN to save yom-kippor

Prophet: Shlomo whats the latest…

General: Well we have to get to fox and find out who’s behind this evil

Prophet: Cant we all just get along!

Narrator: As Abraham was planning his attack he realized he would need help from the kwanza coalition group

Prophet: Yo Jamal its Abraham the prophet

Jamal: Abe hows it goin!

Prophet: Not so hot I mean did you hear whats airing on fox!?

Jamal: Aint that about a BITCH!

Prophet: Yes indeeddy it quite a predicament

Jamal: Well what do you want from

Prophet: Well the Jewish League of Nations are playing influential jewish movies across the air on all other channels but, fox has figured out how to draw in the Jews attention

Jamal: how Abraham

Prophet: Through non usage of commercials

Jamal: Is that why Jews love HBO

Prophet: precisely

Jamal: well lets shake leg and brake open that joint

Prophet: you’re a mench jamal lets kick the gouy out of em’

Narrator: Jamal and Abraham head over to fox and see secret service agents crawling all over the place

Jamal: Yo Abe they like millions of secret service all over this joint

Prophet: this fakakta governement is probably involved what to do… what to doo…

Jamal: Calm down Abe take your inhaler (sound of inhaler) 1.2.3.4.5.6.7.8.9.10… betta?

Prophet: Much

Jamal: Through the binoculars I can see that they have a stereotype alarm so Abe don’t pick up change if it drops… if theres an air bar inside share the air… and don’t forget cover up your horns

Prophet: horns? That aint true it is just a myth among the WASPY characters in this country that don’t even know how to read write or moses knows whatelse
Jamal: sorry abe but you what I mean

Abe: lets kick the anti-semtisim out of em’

Narrator: As Abe and jamal walk in, there is a basketball court on the right and Jamal couldn’t resist….

Prophet: Jamaaaaaaallllllll knooooooooooooooooo

Alarm: Brotha Alert Brotha Alert Brotha Alert

Jamal: lets scram

Prophet: Im leaving just like before the check comes for dinner

Jamal: Is that president bush?

Prophet: OMG! It is!

Bush: Hello Jamal and Abe I’ve been expecting you!

Prophet: President Bush you will not get away with this

Jamal: Yea you egotistical maniac give the Jews back there children

Bush: Just because there kind can’t resist free televesion and even if that free tele is brainwashing material just means im smarter than you all actually thought… hahahahahahahahahah

Prophet: Lets get em’

Narrator: As Abe chases bush around jamal goes and switches the tape to Danny Kaye’s act as the joker in the movie the Court Jester

Prophet: Mr. President you are under arrest on crimes against the Jews… you have any last words for yourself
Bush: Well… Yes your kind had WMD’s and I had to take preemptive measures against your kind just like I did in Iraq and im going to do in Iran

Prophet: Well Bush your time is done your going to Isreal’s toughest prison… prison whina shlieden.

Narrarator: president bush did not get what he wanted instead at whina shlieden the president received the worst punishment of all… the jewish complaining slash whining slash guilt trip punishment

Bush: pleaaasseee no more… I promise I will discontinue my preemptive strikes on any colture

Phone ringing

Prophet: Shalom

Jamal: Hey mannn hows it going in Isreal

Prophet: Ok jamal

Jamal: sorry about that alarm back there mann I saw basketball and picked up ball sorry mann

Prophet: No problem you’re a mench jamal I love you

Jamal: peace my brotha… shaloomm alaecha

Scripts for Tonight

This isn't the line up.. just a list of what we have in so far...Oh, and don't mind the asterisks.. those are for me to know which ones I'm in = )

All right.. remember.. you need to upload these scripts into the R-Drive! If you don't, your grade will most likely be lowered for not following directions, and we don't want that happening! Go through the blog and check all the cast lists so you know which scripts you're in.. and if you're in one.. print it! Don't expect the writer to have a copy for you.

And Carolina, you're going to have to help me with those Spears songs haha, because I only know I'm a Slave and Oops, I Did it Again.. but.. excited to sing nonetheless! : )

Okey dokey.. I'll have copies of tonight's line up at the show today! Get excited, get pumped, get energized! See y'all later tonight~

Peer Mentor Love <3


Jamaican FINAL

Attention Cast Members: Printing this script off of blogger will not work. For your convenience, I will print copies for everybody. See you tonight, and please look over your part.

Cast: (KEEP IN MIND IT HAS BEEN CHANGED SLIGHTLY)
Walker: Walker
Owner: Seth
Waitress: Josi
Manager: Maddy
Jamaican: Adrian
Eric in background

Jamaican Script

Jamaican goes to order food in a New York City dinner.

Narrator: A Jamaican goes to eat and meet his friend at a diner in New York City.

Sound of dishes clashing in background / people talking / some people yelling food orders at cued parts

Jamaican: We're jamming
 I wanna jam it with you,
 We're jamming, jamming
 And I hope you like jamming too.

 Man, me love Bob Marley…. Me hungry… where da waitress at. Common me hungry.

Pause for several seconds

Waitress: Are you waiting for someone?

Jamaican: Ya man.

Waitress: Would you like to order now?

Jamaican: Ya man.

Waitress: What do you like?

Jamaican: me want chaklit cake with nuff icening.

Waitress: we don’t have that, desserts are on the back

Jamaican: bomobclat...how you not have chaklit cake.

Waitress: we just…

Jamaican: with nuff icening.

ERIC: You are yelling the following dialogue in background (away from microphones). When waitress begins to say cheese cake, you yell in background [W/ NEW YORK ACCENT]
“One order of bacon burnt to a crisp, two eggs over easy, 3 orders of pancakes. Let me get two coffees and make it quick!”

Waitress: We’ve got carrot cake, cheese cake and apple pie.

Jamaican: Me want chaklit cake with nuff icening.

Waitress: What are you?

Jamaican: … I’m jamaican.

Waitress: Well we don’t got no “chaklit cake with nuff icening” so move it or lose it.

Jamaican: No badda mi. You’ve got no chaklit cake.

Waitress: I’m sorry... [sir]

Jamaican: bredda! Wagwan!

Walker: That test sucked.

Jamaican: Boy! I thought that test would have been easy man.

Walker: Me too. What are you gettin?

Jamaican: Me want chaklit cake, but she say they not got any.

Walker: No chocolate cake!? And you call this a dinner?

Waitress: We have carrot cake, cheese cake and apple pie.

Walker: How do you not have chocolate cake?

Waitress: Look, we don’t have any chocolate cake!

Jamaican: girl, Me want to speak with your manager.

Waitress: One moment.

Jamaican: And May I have a glass of water please?

Waitress walks away

Walker: How can they not have chocolate cake?

Jamaican: You tellin me man… all me want is some chaklit cake man.

Walker: So when do you go back to work?

Jamaican: Mi a-go back to work on chewsay.

Walker: Hey, good for you!

Jamaican: Ya man, thank you.

Waitress: Here’s your glass of water. The manager will be with you shortly.

Jamaican: Thanks for the glass of wata.
Pause
Cuyah, she gwan like she nice ee. She can’t even get me no chaklit cake man.

Walker: What is it with you and chocolate cake anyway?

Jamaican: Look Walker, me just in love it man. [Stretch out next sen tance] It’s a Jamaican thing man. Do you remember my next door neighboor?

Walker: Yeah, and his cute dog?

Jamaican: Ya man. That dog not cute no more man. Mista Brown dawg bite mi.

Walker: What happened?

Jamaican: It was like this man. I was takin out da trash man, you see. I put a bottle of oilleeee in front of my door. When I got back, mi bokklo of isle was bruk. Me say, “Who bruk de bokkle of isle?” And there was Mist Browns dawg man. And I say, “Why you buk me bokkle of isle dawg?” And he bark at me, so I bark man. And dat dwag bite mi man.

Walker: You barked at the dog?

Jamaican: Ya man, it was my Jamaican instinct.

Manager: Good afternoon gentleman, I’m the manager, Marhsa. What can I do for you today?

Jamaican: Marsha, I just want some chacklit cake. Your waitress says you got none.

Manager: I’m sorry, we have no chocolate cake today.

Jamaican: I’m not satisfied.

Manager: What would you like?

Jamaican: Me want this meal to be on da house.

Manager: I’m afraid I can’t do that. We haven’t done anything wrong sir.

Jamaican: You don’t have no chacklit cake!

Manager: Well it isn’t on the menu, what do you want me to do about that.

Jamaican: Put it on the menu man.

Manager: We will consider doing so in the future, but what else can I do for you today.

Jamaican: All me want is chacklit cake. Why do you have to go breakin me heart?

Manager: I’m sorry sir, we just don’t have any chocolate cake.

Owner: What seems to be the problem here? I’m the owner, Alfons.

Jamaican: Look bradda, I’ll I want is some chaklit cake. Your people are tellin me that you got none.

Walker: All he wants is chaklit cake, can’t you find some?

Owner: Are you Jamaican?

Jamaican: Ya man.

Owner: My wifes 3rd cousin is Jamaican. I’ve been to Jamaica once. It’s beautiful there. Jamaican people are very friendly.

Jamaican: Thank you bradda.

Owner: I will get you some chocolate cake.

Jamaican: Thank you maaaan.

Owner: We are sorry for the inconvenience. Is there anything else I can do for you today.

Jamaican: Just the chaklit cake man. Please make sure it’s got nuff icening.

Owner: Of course.

Owner and manager walk step back from microphones 5-8 feet of so… ITALICIZED PART IS SAID AT SAME TIME AS THE FIRST JAMAICAN LINE. THE OWNER AND MANAGER ARE TALKING IN THE BACKGROUND.

Owner: How dare you disrespect a jamaican customer like that. Go get some chocolate cake from the Cake shop down the street and make sure it has enough icing.

Manager: But sir…

Owner: Get a move on it!!!

Jamaican: He’s a good maaan that owner is.

Walker: He sure did a nice thing there.

Jamaican: Ya man.

Walker: This one is on me.

Jamaican: De nex time I will buy. Thank you maaann.

Walker: I still can’t believe that about your neighbors dog. I can’t believe he bit you. I can’t believe you barked at it!

Jamaican: hahahahaha. Ya man, it was pretty funny. It hurt though.

Walker: Yeah, that dog has some big teeth actually.

Jamaican: You’re tellin me. Check this out.

Walker: Wow, that’s a deep bite mark.

Jamaican: Ya man, whatever.

Owner: Here’s your chocolate cake sir.

Jamaican: Boboclat. This looks amazing man. Thank man, from the bottom of my heart. Thank you.

Owner: It’s my pleasure. Enjoy.

Jamaican: This is so good man! I feel like I’m on top of a rainbow! Me love chacklit cake with nuff icening!!!

Background dish clanking stops…

Eric’s music fades up...

Jamaican: Thank you for listening. I hope you enjoy the rest of Dark- ness Visible Radio on WPRK 91.5 FM. This is your friendly Jamaican friend, goodnight.

Laundry talk 3 Final

Girl 1: Amber (Maddy)
Girl 2: Becca (Carolina)
Girl 3: Kylie (Amanda)
Gay Guy: Steven (Johnny)

Becca: Good evening everyone and welcome to tonight’s laundry talk. My fellow co-hosts and I are coming to you from Mckean’s laundry room on the first floor as we do our weekly load of 5 bags of laundry each. The hottest girls from Rollins are bringing you the hottest stories from around the world.

Amber: Our first story comes from the coasts of California were each week an average of six sea otters wash up dead on the shore.

Kylie: Aren’t sea otters like puppies that can swim.

Becca: Actually they are! The problem is scientists do not know what's killing the sea otters. Usually cause the of death is clear with a shark bite, a bullet, or a propeller wound. But about one-quarter of last year's fatalities have been traced to a pair of protozoan parasites, Toxoplasma gondii and Sarcocystis neurona, that are known to breed in cats.

Kylie: So cats are killing sea otters?

Becca: Well not totally! The problem is that people are flushing kitty litter down their toilets. Worms dropped into the ocean by seabirds and a toxic ingredient in fertilizer are also known to be killing the cute little otters.

Kylie: Like How about we put big nets in the ocean to catch them all and save them?

Steven: Are you serious like that will just get them tangled in the nets and kill even more of them.

Kylie: But if we catch them all we can dress them up in cute outfits and adopt them as pets!

Steven: No that’s just stupid!

Becca: But it is totally okay! Because the Great Governor of Califorinia, Arnold Schwarzenegger has just raised the fine for harming a sea otter to $25,000 and he requires that all kitty litter sold in California has to carry a warning label so that owners now know that there kitties are killing our dear little sea otters.

Steven: O Arniie! He use to turn me on in his terminator days.

Amber: At the age of 59 Arnold stil turns me on! He is so cute with his perfectly pressed governor suites…I love role playing.

Kylie: Arnold went to University of Wisconsin-Superior, where he graduated with degrees in international marketing of fitness and business administration.

Becca: Thanks Kylie…that brings us to our next topic.

Amber: Yeah… did ya know that the countries fortune 50 CEO’s did not all do their undergraduates at Ivy league schools…in fact the University of Texas has just as much representation as Harvard with three CEO’s.

Steven: So that means I can be the CEO of Macy’s?

Amber: Yes, Steven now we all have hope to be the glorious and famous girls that we all strive to be!

Kylie: One day I will be the CEO of Animal planet and all the animals will be dressed in cute outfits from Steven’s newly acquired Macy’s

Steven: Thank you Kylie… Well that is all we have for you for on tonight’s laundry talk it is now time for our late night facials as we rock out to the Queen of Hollywood

ALL: (scream) Lindsay Lohan!

final copy of the Jesus script.

Jesus’s second coming? BS!!!!

Jesus-Me

God-J.J.

Guy 1-Eric

Guy 2-Nate

Girl-Sarah

Girl 2-Carolina

Girl 3-Lily

Narrator-Seth

Policeman-Dr. Boles

Bum 1-Adrian

Bum 2-Johnny

Lucifer-Walker

Protestor 1-Josi

Protestor 2-Maddy

Almost everyone.

Narrator- In Heaven, God calls on Jesus in to his chamber to talk to him.

God-My son, Jesus, it is time for you to return to Earth. It is once again ravaged by sin, and once again, mankind needs to be saved from the burning drenches of hell, and come to salvation.

Jesus- But Father, You said I have another thousand years before I go back to Earth.

God-Don’t try to trick me again, Jesus. Don’t you remember the Medieval age. You could have stopped that, but instead, you felt like going forward in time to play Pong.

Jesus-C’mon, you had fun as well. You almost beat me that one time, but

God- Hey, that game had a glitch. But whatever. You must go down to Earth, and save mankind once again

Jesus- You can’t make me go, I’m part of mankind, I have free will.

God- Don’t make me get Loki to assert my wrath.

Jesus- I gave Loki a nu-gie last week, I doubt he’ll try anything on me again.

God- (sigh)Look if you do down to earth and bring salvation, I’ll..(sigh) by you a Playstation 3.

Jesus- Really!!! Great I’ll go, But I ain’t getting crucified again, That took a while to heal.

God- Fine, no crusifixtion, but you have to play the part of the nice Jesus, that means you are limited to only a few magic tricks, and no fighting Satan again.

Jesus- Fine, alright, here I go.

(monk-esque singing with fake latin lyrics)

Narrator: And Now Jesus returns to Earth to bring mankind to salvation, with a smile.

Guy 1: So as I was at this bar talking to this girl, when some random guy says, “Hey, seat’s taken,” and I say Oh really, I don’t see you name on it. Then suddenly He hits me in the face with a lead pipe, drags me out side, and begins to beat the living pulp out me.

Girl 1: Oh my god, so what did you?

Guy 1: Well, I couldn’t let him do that to me, so grabbed this 2 by 4 that was next to me and I hit him with it. Then suddenly, he runs away crying like a little girl, waaaa, waaaa.

Girl 1: wow, you are so brave. Hey I need to go to the little girl’s room for the moment. Be right back. When I get back, maybe we can go to my place.(cute laugh)

Guy 1: He He He

Guy 2: You tell the same exact story every time and the girls keep falling for it.

Guy 1: the secret is you gotta find one of them blonde girls, they’re more gullible then a 12 year old girl in R. Kelly’s recording studio.

(monk-esque singing with fake latin lyrics)

Guy 2: What was that???

Guy 1: I don’t know.

( more monk-esque singing with fake latin lyrics)

Jesus: It is I, the Lamb of God, The son of the Heavenly Father. That woman is married, and so are you. It is a sin my child to commit adultery. The only way to be saved is…

Guy 1: Excuse me, but before that lady comes back, I suggest you leave before she hears your evangelical hooligans.

Guy 2: Hey what are you wearing?

Jesus: Do you not recognize me? For I am Jesus, the son of the heavenly Father.

Guy 2: (on the side) hey um…I think we got a whack job talking to us.

Guy 1: Did you say your name was Jesus?

Jesus: Yes, the Lamb of God, It is a sin to commit Adultery. You are giving in to Lust, that is a mortal sin.

Guy 1: Hey, look Jesus(pronounce it hey zeus) I don’t need some crazy guy, who dressed up in costume a little early for Halloween, which I might add looks terrible, Jesus wouldn’t dress that bad, to tell me who to and more importantly, who not to sleep with. Okay.

Guy 2: Yeah, so Get out, or I’ll Make you get out.

Jesus: Your aggression is not need, But your soul is covered with sin and…

Guy 2: Alright that’s it.

Jesus: Hey what are you doing?

(sound of scuffle)

Jesus: AHH!!

(splash of mud)

Guy 1: Get outta here ya creep.

Guy 2: Yeah and say out.

Jesus: wow, this salvation thing is going to be harder than last time.

Narrator: Jesus has hit a little snafu there, but he keeps on truckin’

(monk-esque singing with fake latin lyrics)

Girl 2: what did you get on your final?

Girl 3: I got 90. Good thing I decided to use that cheat sheet you gave me. The questions were so hard. I would have never figured it out on my own. How did you get the questions in the first place?

Girl 2: I bribed one of the security guards to let me in to the building and to look away. A measly 200 dollars for a passing isn’t that bad.

Girl 3: So how did you answer the questions before the test? You know less about this subject than I do. You never even opened the textbook.

Girl 2: Well, I had to sleep with one of the upper classman to get him to answer the questions. I think his name was something like Jeff Connerson

Girl 3: WHAT!!!! THAT’S MY BOYFRIEND!!! I’VE BEEN GOING OUT WITH HIM FOR A WEEK. I’M GONNA KILL YOU!!!!!

Girl 2: What!!! I didn’t know I swear!!!

Girl 3: AHHHHHH!!

(monk-esque singing with fake latin lyrics)

Girl 2: What was that?

Jesus: It is I, Jesus, the Lamb of God, The son of the Heavenly Father.

Girl 3: Jesus??? You don’t look like Jesus. I’ve seen those renaissance pictures.

Jesus: That was just one interpretation of me. No human has ever laid eyes on me for 2000 years. Wait, Pictures?

Girl 3: yeah, like the ones that Italian dude pasted of Jesus on that ceiling of church, his name was Da Vanci? Da Alfredo? Da Fettuccine? Yeah Da Fettuccine. That’s it.

Girl 2: It’s Da Vinci. We learned that last year.

Girl 3: I still have to kill you. AHHH!!!

Jesus: You must stop. Wrath is a mortal sin. It is absorbing you whole body. You must not give in. And you, Bribery, deceitfulness, premarital sex. Your soul must be purged of all its evils or else you will burn in the depths of hell.

Girl 2: What are you talking about freak?

Girl 3: Yeah, you sound like my grandmother.

Jesus: Grandmother? I’m the savior of all of mankind, I’m Jesus. I’m the son of God, you know, the Heavenly Father, the alpha and the omega, and one that created all that is and what will be??

(as Jesus is talking, the wind blows.)

Girl 2: Oh My God!! You’re not wearing anything under that robe, EWWW!!!

Girl 3: You Perve!!!! Some one help, Flasher, Flasher!!!!

Jesus: Wait what????!!!

Girl 3: Some one help Flasher Flasher!!!(repeat 5x)

Girl 2: Flasher Flasher Some one help(repeat 5x at the same time as girl 3)

Jesus: Wait whoa whoa, Its me Jesus, hey, be quiet, hey, hey um…lamb of god….eh….shhh.. uh this ain’t good(at the same time as the girls yelling)

Policeman-What seems to be the problem??(rushed)

Girl 2: This creepy ragged bum is trying to flash us!!!

Policeman: Oh really!!! I think you need to think about what you’ve done. Its some jail time for you.

Jesus: What??? Wait wait You don’t understand…

Policeman: I think I do understand. I see some random bearded guy trying to show himself to some innocent girls. What would Jesus think if he came right now and saw what you were doing? I don’t think he would be very pleased.

Jesus: ugg, I should have gone to Italy first.

Girl 3: I’m still killing you

Girl 2: What?!

Narrator: Well, seems like Jesus managed to get himself arrested. (in normal concerned tone) Wait what? Jesus gets arrested, what kind of script is this??

Me: Just keep reading it, it gets better.

Narrator: (normal tone again) How do you managed to redeem yourself from writing a script were Jesus gets arrested?

Me: Who said anything about redeeming myself?

Narrator: (normal tone again) Fine, but if some Baptists decided to beat you up after this, it’s not my fault. (Clears throat)(Back to narrator voice) As I was saying, Jesus gets arrested, and is thrown in jail, but he soon to get a visit a much unsuspected visitor.

Bum 1: As I try to avoid the enemy, I searched for a weapon I could use to defend myself, then I found these rocks, and I started throwing them at the enemy as hard as I can. But alas they caught me.

Bum 2: so they took you to one of them Vietnamese prison camps??

Bum 1: Vietnam? I was talking about how I threw rocks at my enemy, the dogs at the dog pound.

Jesus: Wow, He even had me going.

Policeman- Hey, guy with the hair, you got a visitor. Oh you two, Get the hell out of here you drunkards.

Bum 1 and bum 2 mumbling.

Policeman- alright, he you can talk to him…um what was it, lucius??

Lucifer-(sigh) close enough.

Policeman-You got ten minutes.

Jesus-Great, what are you doing here Lucifer?

Lucifer-Jesus, why the long face? We haven’t seen each other since you spent those 40 days in the desert. I thought you’d be glad to see me.

Jesus-Maybe you were too busy possessing someone, but in one day I was thrown in the mud by these two guys, then I get arrest for some wind blowing by and lifting up my robe. So I’m a little bit perturbed right now.

Lucifer-Oh yeah, I was watching and thought it was hilarious. But I’m not here to make fun of you, well yeah I was, but that’s not whole reason. You see Jesus…

Jesus: Why should I listen to you, you’re the freaking prince of darkness, the beginning of all sin on earth.

Lucifer-true but…(pause)…well …there aren’t any buts, I started original sin. As I way saying, you see Jesus, this country, this world, has changed. Its no longer “oh thank god for growing the food we are eating today.” Today its “Hey Look food. I’m going to eat it, than I’m gonna go play with my xbox 360, that my dad bought with the money that he got from taking advantage of company stocks.” Well, they don’t really say it like that but you know what I mean.

Jesus: Now’s who fault could materialism and greed be, hmm??

Lucifer- Their own. That’s what he won’t understand. Free will, Jesus, is a beautiful thing. From Slavery, to feudalism to capitalism, it all leads to one place. My home and they created it because they wanted too. They won’t break from their own comfortable chains that mankind has created for itself. There is no one to blame but them. They deserve to be with me.

Jesus: Mankind is good in nature, born with a good soul; they need an image to follow for faithfulness and salvation.

Lucifer: They do follow an image. Their own desire is their image. They lust for greater things and will stop at nothing to gain it. They desire is insatiable. Their desire has blinded them from what is complete and total proof that what they are doing is wrong. It has blinded them from you, and they don’t want to see you. Why don’t you just stop, and let them be. You know they deserve it, I know they deserve it, they will know that they deserve it. Just sit here in this box, and let it be.

Jesus: You tried it once, over 2 thousand years. It didn’t work then, and you aren’t going to convince me now. Mankind is worth saving, it doesn’t matter if only 1 person is saved. It’s better than letting that innocent burn in your domain. The faithful will rise above their own desires. They will see the light and break away from your clouding darkness. Now if you excuse me, I have the world to save. Oh, and did you send that little wind to blow up my robe so I can get arrested and brought here.

Lucifer: Man is so predictable. But since you don’t want to give up, guess I will still have continue my path of mankind’s destruction. Peace. Hehe

Jesus: Wow, I need to speak with my father quickly.

(monk-esque singing with fake latin lyrics)

Narrator(in normal voice): See now that wasn’t so bad.

Me: It’s not done yet, keep reading.

Narrator: (announcer voice) After Jesus talks to God about his encounter with Lucifer, he is sent to an abortion clinic protest. (normal voice) Wait lets see the rest of this script. (random mumbling) Are you serious? You can’t have this ending.

Me: Hey, Dr. Boles approved it.

Narrator: (sigh) like I said before, Baptists, beating you up, not my problem.

(monk-esque singing with fake latin lyrics)

Jesus-Okay, I made a left at magnolia lane and it should be right here. Oh hey people.

(Everyone chants “Abortion is murder, Abortion is murder”)

Protestor 1-(yelling and angry) Shut down this Clinic or else!!

Protestor 2-(yelling and angry) People, we need to stop this disgrace of God!!! They need to be punished for their heresy!!!

Jesus-uggg, another inquisition, well, better show them the right way.

Protestor 1-(yelling) Hurry pass me that Molotov cocktail!!!

Protestor 2-(yelling) We need to hurry up before the Police get here. Hook that spike onto the car!!

(More Chanting)

(monk-esque singing with fake latin lyrics)

Protestor 1-Wait what was that?

Jesus- It is I, Jesus, The son of God. You must stop this injustice.

Protestor 2- (still angry) What injustice? We are doing this in the name of God. They have to be punished for their sins.

Protestor 1-(still angry) Yeah!! They Insulted us, and they Insulted god!!!

Jesus- If god was insulted, he would have rained down fire and brimstone onto this place. But why hasn’t he? I have preached, and you have forgotten, when slapped, turn the other cheek. You are about to retaliate with violence without seeing any wrong with violence.

Protestor 2- They deserve to die for using this instrument of Satan and we must bring it to them!!!!

(crowd yells, and begins chanting “Burn!!”)

Jesus: The Sixth Commandment States Thou Shall Not Kill!!!

Protestor 1: Killing in the Name of God is Not A sin!!!

Jesus- Killing of anyone for any reason is sin!!! You have warped the word of god to represent your own ideas, and to force them onto others, That Is heresy, that is means for punishment. To create exceptions, is to create sin!!!

Girl 2: Hey I know that guy!!!! He Tried Flashing me and my friend at school!!!!!

Girl 3: Yeah it was disgusting!!!!!

Jesus: What???!!

Bum 1- Yeah, that’s the same guy who was thrown in jail right before they let me and my friend out!!!

Guy 1- That’s the crazy guy who began to bother me and my friend while we were at a restaurant!!!!

Guy 2- Wait yeah!!! That is the same guy!!!

Protestor 1-(angry) How dare you dress up like Jesus and begin to spew your false ideals to these religious people.

Protestor 2-(angry as well) What are you? Some kind of Athiest!! How dare you mock us with an image that is most holy to us!!!

Guy 1- I say we beat him up, and send him back to where he belongs.

(crowd begins to agree by yelling “yeah yeah”)

Bum 2- Let’s get him!!!!

Jesus- Oh crap AHHHHH!!!!!

(sound of jesus getting beaten by evangelicals.)

God- Why have you returned so soon? Earth was not Saved from sin.

Jesus- I don’t want to talk about it.

God- but, um.. Jesus…oh well, guess I’ll send Moses this time. At least the Jews will be saved.



Be sure to mention this script to everyone. there is alot of people invovle in this script and i'm only gonna print out 4 copies, a dj booth, a recording booth, an extra and my own.

Monday, October 02, 2006

FOR SURE FINAL DETECTIVE!!!!

JJ: Detective and JJ Detective- (do not use acting voice. Be normal)
Walker: Cleatus, Jack-(Always in character), and some sound effects at the end
Sarah: Mrs. Hamby
Seth: Director
Lili: Lili
Josi: Missy and Josi- Missy (not in character, just normal voice)
Eric: Vinny
John: Sheriff and some sound effects
Professor Boles: Assistant
Nate: Abul
Singers: Lili, Josi, Johnny, Sarah, Amanda, Carolina, Rich, Nate

(Music plays for 15 seconds before show, then fades away)

(Knocking)
Mrs. Hamby: (In a crying voice) Hello, Detective Larson. Thank you.
Detective: Have a seat.
Detective Voice: She was young. Barely in her twenties. I could tell she had been crying all night. Her black dress was askew, her hair was a mess, she looked as though she hadn’t slept in days. I felt for her.
Detective: How can I help you Mrs. Hamby?
Mrs. Hamby: Well, you see, detective… It’s my husband. He’s dead.
Director: CUT! Mrs. Hamby where is the emotion.
Mrs. Hamby: what do you mean director?
Director: I need emotion! You husband is dead. It’s something horrible, yet surprising. Let me hear it…horrible with an essence of surprise.
Mrs. Hamby: Ok I’ll try. How’s this… (more dramatic) He’s DEAD!
Director: Perfect! Yes, that will do. Let’s move on from there. ACTION!
Mrs. Hamby (dramatic, like before) He’s DEAD!
Detective: How dead is he?
Mrs. Hamby: What do you mean? He’s dead. Cold dead. He was murdered.
Detective: How do you know he was murdered?
Mrs. Hamby: (no emotion) I just know. He was poisoned. I’m sure of it. Oh! His face! I can still see his pale face in my memory.
Director: CUT! CUT! CUT! That was all wrong. Mrs. Hamby! Where is that emotion again! Let’s try it again from Detective Larson’s last line. Action!!!
Detective: How do you know he was murdered?
Mrs. Hamby: I just know. He was poisoned. I’m sure of it. I can still see his pale face in my memory.
Director: CUT! What was that! That wasn’t even the line.
Mrs. Hamby: It wasn’t?
Director: No, it wasn’t. We have been trying to get through this scene for the last four hours….Why don’t you get it! And where is my frappochino! I need me frappochino. Does not one in here work anymore. I’m surrounded by incompetents. Let’s move on to another scene. Mrs. Hamby, I don’t want to see you until you get this right, if not then you fired. Fired from here and any other half-decent payin gig in this town. Let’s go to the scene four with Vinny and Detective Larson at the Rat House bar. ACTION!
Detective’s Voice: Another suspect. And sure enough, Barkeep was right, the old chump. Vinny busted through the door, making everyone’s head turn. The music stopped for a few beats. His mink coat made his fat body look fatter and his small head look miniscule. He slips his usual payment to the manager, Jaques, and makes his way to the back booth. I finish off my drink and headed over. The whisky speeds its way though my veins.
Vinni: Eyyyy! Detctive Larson! How’s your mother?
Detective: Dead. A while ago. Hurricane took her.
Vinni: It happens. Have a seat. Detective, have you met my new man, Abul?
Abul: It is nice to meet you Detective.
Detective: Like wise. Vinny, I’m looking for some information. There’s been a man poisoned. You know anything.
Detective’s voice: I could tell Vinny got the chills, but he’s not the kind of guy to show it. Abul stood still. He was a statue. He wore a brightly colored vest, which unusual in this black suited town.
(PAUSE for 5 seconds…count it in your head)
Director: CUT! What was that? Silence? There is not long pausing in this! VInny! What happened to you line?
Vinny: I forgot my line.
Director: You WHAT!
Vinny: I forgot…
Director: I heard what you said, I just can’t believe it. The line is: Detective, I have heard of no such act until now. Got it?
Vinny: Got it, Director.
Director: Good. Alright. Let’s start from Abul’s line. ACTION!
Abul: It is nice to meet you Detective.
Detective: Like wise. Vinny, I’m looking for some information. There’s been a man poisoned. You know anything.
Detective’s voice: I could tell Vinny got the chills, but he’s not the kind of guy to show it. Abul stood still. He was a statue. He wore a brightly colored vest, which unusual in this black suited town.
Vinny: Detective, I have heard of no such act until now.
Detective: Alright Vinny, I believe you. I hear you new guy is good with chemicals. Maybe he can come by the crime scene and tell me what he can figure.
Vinny: I would like to lend you my services. However, I am a busy man. I have things going on.
Detective: Just keep your ears open. That’s all I ask.
Vinny: Larson, you know I know you are a good man. You have done good work for me in the past. I will inform you if I hear of anything.
Detective: I appreciate it. Good Night.
Vinny: Detective! Who was the sorry son of a bitch?
Director: CUT!
Vinny: Oh, what now!
Director: Can we say that on the air? Assistant! Assistant! Where are you?
Assistant: right behind you, Director.
Director: Oh, Assistant. Didn’t see you there. Can we say that on the air?
Assistant: Yes, director. As long as it is in that phrasing and not derogatory, offensive, or degrading to women, female dogs, or to the public. Oh…well then…your mistake. Carry on. ACTION!
Vinny: Detective! Who was the sorry son of a bitch?
Detective: A Mr. Hamby. You know em?
Vinny: Mr. Hamby… Yeah I know em. He’s done good work for me as well. Shame.
Detective: Yeah. Damn Shame. Pretty little wife too. Good Night Fellas.
Detective’s Voice: Walking away. Seems like that’s what everyone does in this town. Why would a suspect admit they knew the victim? Poison killed Mr. Hamby, and that was Abul’s weapon. It doesn’t make any sense.
Missy: (peppy, happy tone) Hello Detective.
Director: CUT! Missy, I’m not liking your character. Lets try more seductive:
Missy: Sure director, anything for you (sigh)
Director: ACTION!
Detective’s Voice: Walking away. Seems like that’s what everyone does in this town. Why would a suspect admit they knew the victim? Poison killed Mr. Hamby, and that was Abul’s weapon. It doesn’t make any sense.
Missy: (ridiculously deep, dark, dreary tone. Almost pretending to be a man) Hello Detective.
Director: CUT! CUT! That’s defiantly a cut. OK, Missy, well you sound like a man. Lets try it like bore again, but with a more childish curiosity, if you will. ACTION!
Missy: what?
Director: CUT! What? What is what? Why are you asking me what?
Missy: what do you mean by childish curiosity?
Director: you should know. ACTION!
Missy: (undertone, quick sigh then change to happy tone) Hello, Detective.
Director: CUT!
Missy: What now?
Director: that was perfect. ACTION!
Detective: Hello, Missy.
Detective’s Voice: Missy Mayers. A waitress in this sad excuse for a bar. She was a pretty thing. Her hair always done right and her smile made the room shine. We had relations at one point in time. It was short. Too short.
Missy: I’ve missed you Detective. How have ya been?
Detective: I’ve been better. Missy, listen, have you heard about Mr. Hamby’s murder?
Missy: Oh yeah. All the girls from the Cat Club were talking about it when I worked there last night. Peoples are saying he was chopped in a million little pieces. Why would anyone do that? Oh, my goodness.
Detective: Missy! You need to let me know what you know. No messing around.
Missy: Well, I don’t know nothin. But stop by the Cat Club. Those ladies are all talk.
Director: CUT!
JJ Detective: (in normal JJ talk) what the heck! We were on a role!
Director: Oh, (emphasis on the ass) Assistant (quick giggle). I think we need two girls.
Assistant: Two, Mr. director? But that would change the script.
Director: No, but listen. Have the other girl mimic some lines Missy says…(enlightened) but in song…
Assistant: In song?
Director: Yes, mimicking, just like that…but in song. Yes, song! It is genius! I am a genius. Bring in Lili. Lili!
Lili: Yes, Director? Sing for me. You know what to do.
Lili: I do?
Director: You do. Mimic Missy and sing. Just sing your heart out. And Detective Larson, just improve. DO IT! From the top. ACTION!
Missy: Hello Detective.
Lili: (Singing) Hello Detective.
Detective: Hello, girls.
Detective’s Voice: Missy Mayers. A waitress in this sad excuse for a bar. She was a pretty thing. Her hair always done right and her smile made the room shine. We had relations at one point in time. It was short. Too short.
Missy: I’ve missed you Detective. How have ya been?
Lili: (singing) I’ve missed you too, Detective. Probably more than this slut. How have you been?
Detective: I’ve been better. Girls, listen, have you heard about Mr. Hamby’s murder?
Missy: Oh yeah. All the girls from the Cat Club were talking about it when I worked there last night. Peoples are saying he was chopped in a million little pieces. Why would anyone do that? Oh, my goodness.
LIli: (singing) Yeah, what she said. It’s pretty creepy.
Detective: You two need to let me know what you know. No messing around.
Missy: Well, I don’t know nothin. But stop by the Cat Club. Those ladies are all talk.
Lili: Or stop by my place later. The Cat Club girls are all talk.
Detective: Always a pleasure, sweetheart.
Missy: Detective, wait. Ask for Nikita. You know ‘er?
Lili: Detective, do you know Nikita. And if you do, then why are you cheating on me? I saw you checking her out.
JJ Detective: (in regular voice) What the hell Lili?
Lili: (not singing) What the hell with you. I saw you looking at her ass.
Director: CUT!!!!!!! What is going on here people?
Lili: This (condisending tone) Detective Larson has been cheating on me. I just know it. After eight long months, this is how I am repaid.
JJ Detective: There is nothing going on.
Lili: Oh yeah, what about your secretary?
Detective: What are you talking about? You are being ridiculous.
Director: EXCUSE ME! People, if you don’t mind take you relationship crap else where. We are trying to create a radio hit here.
Detective: I’m sorry, director. She is just being needy. I mean ever since I started watching the OC she thinks I pay more attention to Misha Barton than her.
Director: Get out! Both of you, just get out! (Pause) well, actually, I need you in the next scenes. So…um….after the show is over, just get out! And, are you kidding, the OC…really. I mean common man, that’s a little homosexual. Laguna Beach is the real oc. Let’s skip the Cat Club scene…actually…let’s skip it all and go all the way to the end. This is a scene for characters Jack Black, Mrs. Hamby, Detective Larson, and random Sheriff cameo. In this scene, Missy has already been murdered, Vinny confessed to his actions but is innocent, and Jack… where are you Jack?
Jack: (In Jack character) I’m right over here.
Director: Alright, good. You, Jack, earlier, you spoke to Detective Larson and gave him an alibi for Mrs. Hamby, but also putting your name in the clear when you still accused her of still taking part of the murder. In this scene, are hiding in the closet and then come out after Mrs. Hamby confesses to you and her having an affair and paying Vinny to kill of Mr. Hamby in order for you two to run away together with his money. Got that, Jack?
Jack: Um…I thinks…
Director: Good. ACTION!
(Something falls and makes crashing noise)

Detective: What was that?

Jack: It was me.

Detective’s Voice: Ol’ Jack Black. That chump was hiding in the closet as I was getting me confession. Then it hit me. CABO. Jack got his lighter in Cabo, Mrs. Hamby went to Cabo with a lover. Jack is her lover. They wanted Hamby’s money.

Jack: So you have figured it out, have you, Larson?

Detective: Looks like it. I don’t get one thing.

Jack: What that?

Detective: Why did you blame the murder on the wife?

Jack: Well, I didn’t. I said I thought she may be the murderer, just to throws you offs, and then I told you her alibi. It was a perfect alibi, up until you went end sniffed around. These are the all or nothing days. The days that crime rules the street, and peoples will do anything to get ahead. I wanted the money, she had the money, now I am going to have it all. Because, in case you didn’t notice, Detective, Mrs. Hamby and I are now wed, and I have full control of her handlings now that she is dead.

Mrs. Hamby: Jack, darling. (nervous laugh) I’m not dead.

(Walker: Over acted/ Fake Gun Shot) POW POW
Director: CUT! CUT! CUT! (low voice) what was that. Can someone tell me (gradually yells) what the heck that was?! Assistant!
Assistant: Yes, Mr. Director?
Director: Explain to me why we do not have an actual, real sounding gun shot?
Assistant: Tight budget, Mr. Director. We just don’t have the money for those effects.
Director: Oh. Well…um… Let’s move on then. Let’s continue from Mrs. Hamby’s line. ACTION!
Mrs. Hamby: Jack, darling. (nervous laugh) I’m not dead.
(Walker: Over acted/ Fake Gun Shot) POW POW
Jack: Nows you are (evil laugh).

(Walker: Fake Sirens)

Detective Voice: I can hear the sirens. Back up is close. I am going to take this smuck down. I tense.

Jack: Your ganna have to catch me first.

Detective’s Voice: I get angry. Angrier than I have ever been. The blood rushes though my veins. I want this son of a bitches head on a platter.

(Walker: Punching sound)

Detective: (sound of being punch in the stomach) (OOph or arg or something)

Detective’s Voice: Dumb ol’ Jack opens the door. To find Sheriff Paterson and four coppers around me.

Sheriff: Hold it! It’s all over Jack.

Detective’s voice: I can see cold, steel handcuffs being put on Jack’s lanky wrists. I can taste satisfaction. Better than any feeling in the world, even whisky.

Sheriff: You are under arrest for the murder of Mrs. Josi Hamby, assisted murder of Miss. Missy Mayers and Mr. Hamby. You are comin down town.

Cleatus: Excuse me. Is this the casting for the new Laguna Bog?

Director: CUT! Who the hell are you.

Cleatus: I’m CLeatus.

Director: (Calm) Well, hello Cleatus. (Angry) What the hell are you doing in my show?

Cleatus: Them security guards pointed me over this way. I’m looking for the Laguna Bog show. They moved it from last time I was here.

Director: Well it isn’t here!!! Get out!!! OUT, out, out! Assistant, get him out.

Assistant: Yes, Mr. Director. Right this way Cleatus.

Director: oh, I’m getting a head ach. From the top. Action…just Action now.

(Something falls and makes crashing noise)

Detective: What was that?

Jack: It was me.

Director: CUT!

Detective: What now…

Director: I have just had a revelation. Yes, once again I am a genius. Assistant?

Assistant: (annoyed) Mr. Director, what is it now?

Director: We need more singing again.

Assistant: more singing, I don’t know…

Director: Yes, singing. Let’s improve it! Actors stay in character , but (excited) bring in back up singers. Let’s start from when the sheriff busts in. Yay! this will be fun.... (pause) ACTION!

Sheriff: Hold it! It’s all over Jack.

Singers: Hit the road Jack, and don’t you come back no more, no more, no more, no more, no more. Hit the road jack, don’t you come back no more.

Jack: You cant get me copper.

Singers: Can’t touch this. Da da ta da, ta da, ta da. Can’t touch this.

Detective’s voice: I can see cold, steel handcuffs being put on Jack’s lanky wrists. I can taste satisfaction. Better than any feeling in the world, even whisky.

Singers: Babe, I got you babe. I got you babe. I got you.

Sheriff: You are under arrest for the murder of Mrs. Josi Hamby, assisted murder of Miss. Missy Mayers and Mr. Hamby. You are comin down town.

Singers: Bad boys, bad boys, what you ganna do. What you ganna do when they come for you. Bad boys, bad boys.

Jack: You cant keep me locked up forever coppers. I’ll get a lawyer. And I’ll get out. I’ll get you Larson…(fading away) mark my words, I’ll get you!

Singers: Hey, hey. Bye Bye Bye (Bye Bye Bye). I know that I cant take it no more. It aint no lie, I wanna see you out that door. Baby Bye Bye Bye.

Director: CUT!....that…was… AMAZING! Yes! I am a genus. I am amazing. People said they didn’t think I could do it, but I did. I did it. This show is going to be a hit! Yay! Oh, good job everybody. You can all go now. Assistant! Get me my limo. Get me Spielberg on the phone. And get me my damn frappochino!

(Music plays for 15 seconds)

Scarface Takes an Office Job

this is the final scarface script, i wrote it a while ago and tweaked it out for tommorow night's show. if you don't like it or have a problem with it, just let me know. also if any girls need more roles speak to me and i can try to write one or two brief roles into this one. big it up.


Scarface Takes an Office Job

Cast:
Bob: Seth
Ted: Johnny
Jeff: Walker
Tony Montana: Nate or whoever has the best Scarface voice

In an alternative universe where Tony Montana lives after being gunned down by drug lords from Cuba, Tony decides to turn his life around, and takes a job interning at Allen and Bateman, in the Acquisitions and Mergers department. This is his story.

Bob: Alright everyone, this week’s office theme is going to be TRUST. We are all going to work on building trust by taking part in trust exercises.

Tony: Who do I trust? Me.

Ted: Oh come on Tony, you have to trust other people, you don’t have to lie to yourself.

Tony: I always tell the truth. Even when I lie.

Jeff: Alright well Tony you catch me when I fall backwards, I trust you enough to let you help me. Watch my back.

Tony: Better than your front, lemme tell you. Much easier to watch.

[Falls back, Tony catches him, clapping and cheers ensure]

Jeff: You caught me! I knew that you said you would but I didn’t expect it!

Tony: All I have in this world is my balls and my word and I don't break them for no one. Do you understand?

Bob: Of course Tony, why would we ever say that you would break your word, you’re a great guy!

Tony: I got ears, ya know. I hear things.

Jeff: Well what you did to Steve with that stapler was pretty harsh…

Tony: You should see the other guy, you can’t recognize him.

Jeff: Yeah about that, Bill went to the hospital, he’s gonna be ok though, he’s not pressing charges for some reason… but hey no harm no foul, it’s good to have you on the team Tony.

Tony: Everyday above ground is a good day.

Bob: That’s an excellent statement Tony, death isn’t really something to worry about around the office here, but you’re right… you never know what could happen.

Jeff: Bob’s right, it’s a very safe environment here at Allen and Bateman,; we’re all pretty good guys. [Chuckles]

Tony: Good? You’re not good; you just know how to hide, how to lie.

Bob: [Chuckling] Tony you kill me! You’re gonna be perfect to have around the office, lets get you started on some TPS reports.

October 10th Show

Don't forget some folks volunteered to come in and play music next Tuesday night during break.

Please let me know who is doing it by responding to his blog.

Thanks.

WCB

dating game skit

Cast:
Cleatus; walker
Kylie: amanda
sally the slut: nate
britney spears: lili
riick: rich

Dating Game Script 2

(Applause)

Rick: Hello America and welcome to the dating game. Where we meet the contestants from all different walks of life. People who are ready for a committed relationship, to commit relations, or just need to be committed. You never know with this show. Today on the show, we have three lovely bacheloretes trying to win the heart of this handsome bachelor. Trick is, they will not be able to officially meet until after our bacheloret makes a decision. And now, for our bachelor. All the way from Laguna Bog, please welcome Cleatus.

(Applause)

Cleatus: Thank you all. It’s great to be here.
Rick: It’s good to see you again. You didn’t do to well on the last show as bachelor number two.

Cleats: No, I think she was intimidated by my sophistication.

Rick: Well, there is no way for you to lose this one, and if do you really are a loser. Now for our lovely bachelorets. All the way from Alaska, Bacheloret number 1, Mellony Peters.

Mellony: Hey how are you. I’m here to win the date, I think, I hope, yeah, so lets have fun.

Rick: Bachelorete number two, from Winter Park, Sally the Slut.

Sally: Thank you, thank you.

Rick: I’m sorry, did I say that correctly…Sally…the slut?

Sally: Yes…

Rick: Oh, good, moving on then. Bachelorette number three, all the way from McKean laundry room, Kylie come on out.

Kylie: Hi there. Like thanks for having me.

Rick: Thank you Kylie. Now on to our fourth and final contestant, Miss. Britney Spears!

(Applause….go crazy)

Brittney: Well, thanks ya’ll. It so good to be here. (sing) I’m a slave for you. I cannot hold it; I cannot control it. I’m a slave for you. I won’t deny it; I’m not trying to hide it.

Rick: Now lets start the show. Cleatus, you are going to ask these complete and utter strangers simple questions, and at the end of the show, you will have to choose who you will go on a date with. Go ahead Cleatus.

CLeatus: Question number one is for all the lovely ladies, I need a girl who will gat along with me and have some things in common. What do you like to do with your free time?

Rick: Bachelorette number one, go ahead.

Mellony: Um my spare time, let’s see. Um well like I like um so yeah. It’s a good question. I guess like I like to play sports. But I don’t want to say that because it sound like I’m manly but I’m not. I don’t know can you come back to me.

Rick; Bachelorett number two, same question.

Melony; I guess I like to play sports yeah.

Rick; Bachelorette number two.

Sally; Before I liked to go to parties and get completely wasted. No I like to do others.

Cletus; Sounds like my kind of girl.

Rick; Bacherolette number three, same question.

Kiley: Uh huh.

Rick; That’s not an answer.

Kiley; What’s the question?

Rick; The question is what do you like to do in your spare time.

Kiley; I like puppies.

Rick; Okay moving on. Bacherlorette number four same question.

Britney; Sometimes I run, sometimes I hide, sometimes I’m scared of you, but I all I really want is to hold you tight, treat you right, be with you day and night, baby all I need is time.

Rick; Okay, this is going to be a long show. Cletus ask another question.

Cletus; Bachelorett number 1, How would your ex-boyfriend describe you?

Melony; Oh, my ex-boyfriend, well I guess he wouldn’t be too nice he is my ex-boyfriend. He was really cute he use to talk about all this stuff I can’t tell you what it was because I never listened to what he said but it sounded pretty. I miss him. He talked a lot I mean about non sense too. It’s a good thing we broke up. He was always in my hear hey why do you have a picture of Billy on your locker door. Why do you say Sammy when we kiss when my name is Jeff and he totally freaked out that one time when I gave him his Christmas gift. Is it so weird to make a shrine of some one head.

Rick; Next question.

Cletus; Bacherlorette number two same question.

Sally; Well, my ex-boyfriend would say that I’m very adventures. That I’m very experienced and I love to have a good time. I’m well equipped to handle any situation and I’ll go where no woman has gone before.

Rick; Next question.

Cletus; Why did your ex-boyfriend break up with you? This question’s for Bacherlorette number 2 and 4.

Rick; Bacherlorette number 2.

Sally; Because I went where no woman has gone before.

Rick; Bachelorette number 4.

Britney; Oops I did it again. I played with your heart, got lost in the game. Oh, baby, baby. Oops you think I’m in love, that I’m sent from above, I’m not that innocent.

Cleatus: Well, that’s… um…interesting.

Rick: Yes, well, she isn’t that innocent. Let’s move on. Cleatus go ahead with the next question.

Cleatus: Ok. What is your best attribute? Bachelorette number three.

Kylie: Sunshine is my favorite part of the day.

Cleatus: That doesn’t make sense.

Kylie: um, I cant stick my fist in my mouth.

(Applause)

Cleatus: Now we are talking.
Rick: Moving on…I don’t really like this question and it is my show, so next question.

Cleatus: Sure, you’re the boss. What is you ideal date? This is for all the Bachelorettes.

Rick: Ok, Melony…

Molony: My ideal date would be in a restaurant on a space ship heading towards mars. I love that city. Then we would go hunting in the gallapogos island for the prettiest brach we could finf to pin it on my hair. That would turn into magic hair. And then you would take me to prom. I‘d win over every girl and then later I’d be crowned the prettiest girl in the universe and then you’d ask me to marry you and you whisk me a way on your magic carpet.

Rick; Wow, she’s definitely a psycho. Good luck with her. Contestant number two same question.

Sally; It’s doesn’t matter where the date begins but I know where it will end I’ll have you…..

Rick; Next contestant and please let’s keep these comments g rated it’s a family show.

Kiley; First we’d go to the mall. And we pick out the most amazing out fits ever. Then we’d go to the laundry room and talk with Becca and Amber and Steven.

Cletus; Who’s Steven?

Kiley; Don’t worry he’s totally gay.

Cleatus: Gay? Like happy?

Rick; No it’s not but we’re running out of time let’s move on to our final question.

Cletus; Well just like Leanne asked in the show last week when she broke my heart, this question is for all the bachlorettes. The question is why should I choose you?

Rick; Bacherlorette number 1.

Melony; Umm you should choose me because I’m um a ah girl. And I like stuff. Right. Yeah if you don’t choose me we’ll never go on a date and you’ll never marry me. Then I’ll never be married I’ll end up living a life by myself and no one. And I’ll have to get cats and I’m allergic cats. Then I’ll explode from all the allergies and die. So instead I’ll treat it. And I’ll have to get a bunch of shots. Then I get so many shots I start to enjoy the needle. Then I’ll become a drug addict slash hobo. All because you didn’t choose me and decided to pick on of these slut.

Sally; That’ Sally the Slut thank you.

Melony; Wait your turn! You just got to choose me please. I’ll be the best girlfriend/ wife whatever.

Rick; Bachelorete number 2

Sally; Well I’ve a woman on a mission for quite a while and I picked up some stuff along the way. There’s a trick that I do with one foot on your head and the other…

(Audience gets roudy)

Rick; That’s enough, that’s just Bachelorette number three.

Kiley; My hand has freckles.

Rick; Bachlerotte number 4, why should Cletus choose you.

Britney; I used to think, I had the answers, To everything, Mmm, But now I know, Life doesn't always, Go my way, yeah, Feels like, I'm caught in the middle, That's when I realize, I'm not a girl, Not yet a womam, All I need is time, A moment that is mine, While I'm in between.

Rick; Thank you for that Brittney, you weirdo. Does Kevin know you are here? Never mind that. Okay it’s time to choose your date. Audience, who should he chose?

(Audience shouts numbers)

Cletus; Well I sure love Britney Spears but I didn’t know she sang that much. Melony scares me and Sally could be carrying something ugly. So I choose Bacherlorett number two. She’s sweet and simple.

Kiley; YAY, Now you can’t meet Billy.

Cletus; Is he gay too?

Kiley; No silly he’s my boyfriend.
(Audience Gasps)

Rick; She has a boyfriend? I guess you can still end up with no one. Wow in all the years I never seen the person picking the dates end up with no one. You sure are a loser. Well that’s all the time we have for today. Join us next week on the dating game. From Darkness Visible Radio, Good night and good luck.

(Applause)

final detective

hey everyone, the final detective making draft will be on the r-drive by tuesday. please print it out, i wont be printing out extras. thank you

revised hollywood news

Hollywood News


Bob: Hi, Ladies and Gentlemen, I am Bob Hewitt, coming to you live from Darkness Visible Radio, at Rollins College. Tonight we have a few pieces of Hollywood news, and updates. We all know a lot going on in the world of Hollywood! Whose with whom, who did what, and who did who! Here is Ann Taylor with your news.


Ann: Good evening, first, our lovely Brad Pitt, beau of Angelina Jolie is forcing Angelina to have another baby. He claims that he wants a boy, a biological boy. Will Angelina give in to the gorgeous historical Brad Pitt or will she stand up to be the powerful stubborn women we all know her as today? Find out more on Brangolina soon!

Ann: Next, Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore are still going strong! They have been together for a year now and Ashton, in an interview on The Ellen DeGeneres Show, states that Demi and he barely ever fight; if they ever do have problems then they talk it over so no fight goes too far. Sounds like a good strategy, huh Bob.

Bob: Yes it does Ann, Yes it does. Looks like it wasn’t such an outrageous relationship after all. Anyway, George Michael was arrested by London Police Sunday on drug-related charges. He was charged for possession of cannabis after a traffic incident. Talk about bad coincidences.


(They laugh)

Ann: Now we are on to upcoming movies. Strange enough, Kristin Cavallari, from MTV’s hit show Laguna Beach, is staring as a popular girl, president of her sorority, in the remake of Revenge of the Nerds. Kristin will be the star cheerleader, hazing the nerds, and showing off her looks and curves to Hollywood.

Bob: Can’t wait till I see that one.

Ann: I am sure you can’t Bob.

(They laugh)

Bob: Desperate Housewives, Eva Longoria and boyfriend Tony Parker were caught kissing on the cheek. I don’t really know what is wrong with that.

Anne: There are a million things wrong with that! I mean it’s the first sign to the breakup.

Bob: Well, thanks for giving it away, Anne. Yes, Eva and Tony have split. Sources say their relationship has been struggling for a while now. We wish them the best of luck.

Ann: And finally here tonight, we have an update of the tension between Lindsey Lohan and Harry Morton. A few weeks early Morton tells that the two were quote on a break. More recently while Lindsey was surrounded by paparazzi was asked if she is still seeing Morton, and she calmly answers yes. Who could be lying in this relationship? Lindsey’s past has not been the cleanest when it comes to telling the truth. Why would Harry Morton lie about his already public relationship? Stay tuned until next week.
Thank you for tuning in and have a great night. Back to you Bob


Bob: Ahhh yes, Ann. Well there is your Hollywood gossip for you, We’ll see you next week on, Darkness Visible Radio, Have a great night.

Trouble with roomates

ok so this is a real situation that i encountered here at rollins, i just changed the names...if you have any problems you can add in there, or think the whole stoner thing is too risky, just let me know. um if this is posted too late for this weeks show- lets just do it next week...

sophie- josi
meg-carolina ( or really anyone- she jsut has that mellow voice i was looking for)
Annie- amanda...or if there is a girl who needs more roles...it doesnt matter



Sophie: Hey guys, whats up?

(Meg and Annie laugh)

Sophie: what so funny?

Meg: sit down we need to tell you something...

Sophie: no sketchball, just what are you talking about?

Annie: no sophie, just listen.

Sophie: Annie are those my raisins?

(annie laughs)

S: what the hell? i told you not to eat those!

M: we have a confession...

S: what else did you do?

M and A: we ae all your easy mac.

S: are you kidding me? screw you guys...wait... wheres any of my food i just bought!?

M: Stuff you cant find is always in the last place you look...

S: well obviously sherlock- why the hell would you keep looking for something after you already found it?

M: we were realllly hungry...and the...clowns told us to do it.

S: what? why didnt you just call and ask?

A: we did call, but you didnt answer

S: what time did you call?

M: sometime between 4:19 and 4:21

S: so like 4:20?

M: ha! you said 420.

S: UGH! freakin' stoners! why couldnt you just steal pat's food?

A: nooo way. he has an obsession that involves him saying "LET THERE BE LIGHT!" everytime he turns on the light and it freaks me out...so i couldnt go in there.

M: can i ask you a question?

S: well you gave me no choice with that one sunshine...

M: what time is it?

S: did you honestly just do that? why do you insist on pointing to your wrist everytime you ask what time it is? i know where my freakin watch is...thanks...but do i point to my crotch when i have to pee and wanna know where the bathroom is...its 6:15

A: haha...pee...

M: i have to peeeeee!

S: and whats stopping you?

M: well someone installed the toilet paper roll so that the tissue unwraps from the underside of the roll...creepy...

S: Youre ridiculous. and i dont believe you really even called.

A: well no...but thats because i was afraid if i called you and i was on speakerphone...everyone would hear me.

S: Annie you paranoid psycho! i dont have speakerphone! Jesus guys- you owe me food big time.

A: aww cant it just be my b-day present.

S: whens your bday?

A: october 6th...

S: o really so soon? i didnt know that...what year?

A: um...it happens every year!

S: no...i meant...ugh just forget it.

M: sophie are you going to that white party?

S: um yeah, but we arent suposed to refer to it as that anymore...its a little politically incorrect using the term "white" party...

M: oh yeah...omg im sorry i totally forgot. no white after labor day.

S: yeah...because thats what i meant and all...but for real, yall need to get out. i have to study.

A: but where will we go?

S: um i dont knwo...andy's room?

M: theres too much porn all over the walls in that room.

S: ok so go to anyone else's room!

A: why cant we jsut stay here!

S: because all you do is laugh at absolutely nothing, and all the effort of laughing makes your hungry... and then you eat, MY FOOD, and do it quite loudly too. i swear i can hear you munching with my headphones on...and you get super paranoid and start whispering, and whispering makes you laugh and the cycle starts over!

A: im sorry i stole your food though!

S: its ok i stole your cigarettes and your boyfriend.

M: (singing happily) i love foood...

A: wait...you stole my cigs??

S: meg i know you love food.

M: lets watch anchorman.

A: seriously, did you sophie?

S: we just watched that movie!

A: because i had a full pack you know...

M: can we watch fear and loathing?

A: where are my cigarettes!

S: we can watch it i guess but i have to study first.

A: no one is listening to me!

M: movie! movie! movie!

S: well i guess i will just let you watch it now meg, and i will go to the library...gee thanks for understanding guys-

M: bye sophie!

A: what the hell!?....SOPHIE!

S: bye meg, annie shut the hell up...you suck at life and you probably bought your pathetic personality of yours on ebay for some ridiculously high price because you are that lame and that rich. bye.

M: woah man. i cant believe she just left you like that.

A: so did dhe steal my cigarettes or what?

R Drive

I don't know how often I have to say it, but obviously it still hasn't sunk in yet.

Make sure all of your scripts are in the R drive. We are missing scripts from all of the shows.

Jamaican Script Cast

Cast:

Eric: Walker

Owner: Seth

Waitress: Josi

Manager: Maddy

Jamaican: Adrian



please read over

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Laundry talk 3

This is just the beginning

Girl 1: Amber (Maddy)
Girl 2: Becca (Carolina)
Girl 3: Kylie (Amanda)
Gay Guy: Steven (Johnny)

Becca: Good evening everyone and welcome to tonight’s laundry talk. My fellow co-hosts and I are coming to you from Mckean’s laundry room on the first floor as we do our weekly load of 5 bags of laundry each. The hottest girls from Rollins are bringing you the hottest stories from around the world.

Amber: Our first story comes from the coasts of California were each week an average of six sea otters wash up on the shore.

Kylie: Aren’t sea otters like puppies that can swim.

Becca: Actually they are! The problem is scientists do not know what's killing the sea otters. Usually cause the of death is clear with a shark bite, a bullet, or a propeller wound. But about one-quarter of last year's fatalities have been traced to a pair of protozoan parasites, Toxoplasma gondii and Sarcocystis neurona, that are known to breed in cats.

Kylie: So cats are killing sea otters?

Becca: Well not totally! The problem is that people are flushing kitty litter down their toilets. Worms dropped into the ocean by seabirds and a toxic ingredient in fertilizer are also known to be killing the cute little otters.

Kylie: Like How about we put big nets in the ocean to catch them all and save them?

Steven: Are you serious like that will just get them tangled in the nets and kill even more of them.

Kylie: But if we catch them all we can dress them up in cute outfits and adopt them as pets!

Steven: No that’s just stupid!

A Few More Scripts..

It looks like we have about 7 or 8 scripts. We'll need a few more to break even on Tuesday night, so keep them coming in! = ) Good job on keeping busy with writing this weekend. Y'all are doing a great job!

Peer Mentor Love,
Lily

P.S. See ya in the pod.. with scripts!

Most of the jesus script

The reason I didn't finish it is because my planned ending is Jesus get beaten by a bunch of evangelical protestor thinking he's an athiest making fun of Jesus.

Jesus’s second coming? BS!!!!

Jesus-Me

God-J.J.

Guy 1-Eric

Guy 2-Nate

Girl-Sarah

Girl 2-Carolina

Girl 3-Lily

Narrator-Seth

Policeman-Dr. Boles

Bum 1-Adrian

Bum 2-Johnny

Lucifer-Walker

Protestor 1-Josi

Protestor 2-Maddy

Basically Everyone.

Narrator- In Heaven, God calls on Jesus in to his chamber to talk to him.

God-My son, Jesus, it is time for you to return to Earth. It is once again ravaged by sin, and once again, mankind needs to be saved from the burning drenches of hell, and come to salvation.

Jesus- But Father, You said I have another thousand years before I go back to Earth.

God-Don’t try to trick me again, Jesus. Don’t you remember the Medieval age. You could have stopped that, but instead, you felt like going forward in time to play Pong.

Jesus-C’mon, you had fun as well. You almost beat me that one time, but

God- Hey, that game had a glitch. But whatever. You must go down to Earth, and save mankind once again

Jesus- You can’t make me go, I’m part of mankind, I have free will.

God- Don’t make me get Loki to assert my wrath.

Jesus- I gave Loki a nu-gie last week, I doubt he’ll try anything on me again.

God- (sigh)Look if you do down to earth and bring salvation, I’ll..(sigh) by you a Playstation 3.

Jesus- Really!!! Great I’ll go, But I ain’t getting crucified again, That took a while to heal.

God- Fine, no crusifixtion, but you have to play the part of the nice Jesus, that means you are limited to only a few magic tricks, and no fighting Satan again.

Jesus- Fine, alright, here I go.

(monk-esque singing with fake latin lyrics)

Narrator: And Now Jesus returns to Earth to bring mankind to salvation, with a smile.

Guy 1: So as I was at this bar talking to this girl, when some random guy says, “Hey, seat’s taken,” and I say Oh really, I don’t see you name on it. Then suddenly He hits me in the face with a lead pipe, drags me out side, and begins to beat the living pulp out me.

Girl 1: Oh my god, so what did you?

Guy 1: Well, I couldn’t let him do that to me, so grabbed this 2 by 4 that was next to me and I hit him with it. Then suddenly, he runs away crying like a little girl, waaaa, waaaa.

Girl 1: wow, you are so brave. Hey I need to go to the little girl’s room for the moment. Be right back. When I get back, maybe we can go to my place.(cute laugh)

Guy 1: He He He

Guy 2: You tell the same exact story every time and the girls keep falling for it.

Guy 1: the secret is you gotta find one of them blonde girls, they’re more gullible then a 12 year old girl in R. Kelly’s recording studio.

(monk-esque singing with fake latin lyrics)

Guy 2: What was that???

Guy 1: I don’t know.

( more monk-esque singing with fake latin lyrics)

Jesus: It is I, the Lamb of God, The son of the Heavenly Father. That woman is married, and so are you. It is a sin my child to commit adultery. The only way to be saved is…

Guy 1: Excuse me, but before that lady comes back, I suggest you leave before she hears your evangelical hooligans.

Guy 2: Hey what are you wearing?

Jesus: Do you not recognize me? For I am Jesus, the son of the heavenly Father.

Guy 2: (on the side) hey um…I think we got a whack job talking to us.

Guy 1: Did you say your name was Jesus?

Jesus: Yes, the Lamb of God, It is a sin to commit Adultery. You are giving in to Lust, that is a mortal sin.

Guy 1: Hey, look Jesus(pronounce it hey zeus) I don’t need some crazy guy, who dressed up in costume a little early for Halloween, which I might add looks terrible, Jesus wouldn’t dress that bad, to tell me who to and more importantly, who not to sleep with. Okay.

Guy 2: Yeah, so Get out, or I’ll Make you get out.

Jesus: Your aggression is not need, But your soul is covered with sin and…

Guy 2: Alright that’s it.

Jesus: Hey what are you doing?

(sound of scuffle)

Jesus: AHH!!

(splash of mud)

Guy 1: Get outta here ya creep.

Guy 2: Yeah and say out.

Jesus: wow, this salvation thing is going to be harder than last time.

Narrator: Jesus has hit a little snafu there, but he keeps on truckin’

(monk-esque singing with fake latin lyrics)

Girl 2: what did you get on your final?

Girl 3: I got 90. Good thing I decided to use that cheat sheet you gave me. The questions were so hard. I would have never figured it out on my own. How did you get the questions in the first place?

Girl 2: I bribed one of the security guards to let me in to the building and to look away. A measly 200 dollars for a passing isn’t that bad.

Girl 3: So how did you answer the questions before the test? You know less about this subject than I do. You never even opened the textbook.

Girl 2: Well, I had to sleep with one of the upper classman to get him to answer the questions. I think his name was something like Jeff Connerson

Girl 3: WHAT!!!! THAT’S MY BOYFRIEND!!! I’VE BEEN GOING OUT WITH HIM FOR A WEEK. I’M GONNA KILL YOU!!!!!

Girl 2: What!!! I didn’t know I swear!!!

Girl 3: AHHHHHH!!

(monk-esque singing with fake latin lyrics)

Girl 2: What was that?

Jesus: It is I, Jesus, the Lamb of God, The son of the Heavenly Father.

Girl 3: Jesus??? You don’t look like Jesus. I’ve seen those renaissance pictures.

Jesus: That was just one interpretation of me. No human has ever laid eyes on me for 2000 years. Wait, Pictures?

Girl 3: yeah, like the ones that Italian dude that pasted of Jesus on that ceiling of church, his name was Da Vanci? Da Alfredo? Da Fettuccine? Yeah Da Fettuccine. That’s it.

Girl 2: It’s Da Vinci. We learned that last year.

Girl 3: I still have to kill you. AHHH!!!

Jesus: You must stop. Wrath is a mortal sin. It is absorbing you whole body. You must not give in. And you, Bribery, deceitfulness, premarital sex. Your soul must be purged of all its evils or else you will burn in the depths of hell.

Girl 2: What are you talking about freak?

Girl 3: Yeah, you sound like my grandmother.

Jesus: Grandmother? I’m the savior of all of mankind, I’m Jesus. I’m the son of God, you know, the Heavenly Father, the alpha and the omega, and one that created all that is and what will be??

(as Jesus is talking, the wind blows.)

Girl 2: Oh My God!! You not wearing anything under that robe, EWWW!!!

Girl 3: You Perve!!!! Some one help, Flasher, Flasher!!!!

Jesus: Wait what????!!!

Girl 3: Some one help Flasher Flasher!!!(repeat 5x)

Girl 2: Flasher Flasher Some one help(repeat 5x at the same time as girl 3)

Jesus: Wait whoa whoa, Its me Jesus, hey, be quiet, hey, hey um…lamb of god….eh….shhh.. uh this ain’t good

Policeman-What seems to be the problem??(rushed)

Girl 2: This creepy ragged bum is trying to flash us!!!

Policeman: Oh really!!! I think you need to think about what you’ve done. Its some jail time for you.

Jesus: What??? Wait wait You don’t understand…

Policeman: I think I do understand. I see some random bearded guy trying to show himself to some innocent girls. What would Jesus think if he came right now and saw what you were doing? I don’t think he would be very pleased.

Jesus: ugg, I should have gone to Italy first.

Girl 3: I’m still killing you

Girl 2: What?!

Narrator: Well, seems like Jesus managed to get himself arrested. (in normal concerned tone) Wait what? Jesus gets arrested, what kind of script is this??

Me: Just keep reading it, it gets better.

Narrator: (normal tone again) How do you managed to redeem yourself from writing a script were Jesus gets arrested?

Me: Who said anything about redeeming myself?

Narrator: (normal tone again) Fine, but if some Baptists decided to beat you up after this, it’s not my fault. (Clears throat)(Back to narrator voice) As I was saying, Jesus gets arrested, and is thrown in jail, but he soon to get a visit a much unsuspected visitor.

Bum 1: As I try to avoid the enemy, I searched for a weapon I could use to defend myself, then I found these rocks, and I started throwing them at the enemy as hard as I can. But alas they caught me.

Bum 2: so they took to one of them Vietnamese prison camps??

Bum 1: Vietnam? I was talking about how I threw rocks at my enemy, the dogs at the dog pound.

Jesus: Wow, He even had me going.

Policeman- Hey, guy with the hair, you got a visitor. Oh you two, Get the hell out of here you drunkards.

Bum 1 and bum 2 mumbling.

Policeman- alright, he you can talk to him…um what was it, lucius??

Lucifer-(sigh) close enough.

Policeman-You got ten minutes.

Jesus-Great, what are you doing here Lucifer?

Lucifer-Jesus, why the long face? We haven’t seen each other since you spent those 40 days in the desert. I thought you be glad to see me.

Jesus-Maybe you were too busy possessing someone, but in one day I was thrown in the mud by these two guys, then I get arrest for some wind blowing by and lifting up my robe. So I’m a little bit perturbed right now.

Lucifer-Oh yeah, I was watching and thought it was hilarious. But I’m not here to make fun of you, well yeah I was, but that’s not whole reason. You see Jesus…

Jesus: Why should I listen to you, you’re the freaking prince of darkness, the beginning of all sin on earth.

Lucifer-true but…(pause)…well …there aren’t any buts, I started original sin. As I way saying, you see Jesus, this country, this world, has changed. Its no longer “oh thank god for growing the food we are eating today.” Today its “Hey Look food. I’m going to eat it, than I’m gonna go play with my xbox 360, that my dad bought with the money that he got from taking advantage of company stocks.” Well, they don’t really say it like that but you know what I mean.

Jesus: Now’s who fault could materialism and greed be, hmm??

Lucifer- Their own. That’s what he won’t understand. Free will, Jesus, is a beautiful thing. From Slavery, to feudalism to capitalism, it all leads to one place. My home and they created it because they wanted too. They won’t break from their own comfortable chains that mankind has created for itself. Their is no one to blame but them. They deserve to be with me.

Jesus: Mankind is good in nature, born with a good soul; they need an image to follow for faithfulness and salvation.

Lucifer: They do follow an image. Their own desire is their image. They lust for greater things and will stop at nothing to gain it. They desire is insatiable. Their desire has blinded them from what is complete and total proof that what they are doing is wrong. It blinded them from you, and they don’t want to see you. Why don’t you just stop, and let them be. You know they deserve it, I know they deserve it, they will know that they deserve it. Just sit there in this box, and let it be.

Jesus: You tried it once, over 2 thousand years. It didn’t work then, and you aren’t going to convince me now. Mankind is worth saving, it doesn’t matter if only 1 person is saved. It’s better than letting that innocent burn in your domain. The faithful will rise above their own desires. They will see the light and break away from your clouding darkness. Now if you excuse me, I have the world to save. Oh, and did you send that little wind to blow up my robe so I can get arrested and brought here.

Lucifer: Man is so predictable. But since you don’t want to give up, guess I will still have continue my path of mankind’s destruction. Peace. Hehe

Jesus: Wow, I need to speak with my father quickly.

(monk-esque singing with fake latin lyrics)

Narrator(in normal voice): See now that wasn’t so bad.

Me: Its not done yet, keep reading.

Narrator: (announcer voice) After Jesus talks to God about his encounter with Lucifer, he is sent to an abortion clinic protest. (normal voice) Wait lets see the rest of this script. (random mumbling) Are you serious? You can’t have this ending.

Me: Hey, Dr. Boles approved it.

Narrator: like I said before, Baptists, beating you up, not my problem.

(monk-esque singing with fake latin lyrics)


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