Tuesday, October 03, 2006

final copy of the Jesus script.

Jesus’s second coming? BS!!!!



Guy 1-Eric

Guy 2-Nate


Girl 2-Carolina

Girl 3-Lily


Policeman-Dr. Boles

Bum 1-Adrian

Bum 2-Johnny


Protestor 1-Josi

Protestor 2-Maddy

Almost everyone.

Narrator- In Heaven, God calls on Jesus in to his chamber to talk to him.

God-My son, Jesus, it is time for you to return to Earth. It is once again ravaged by sin, and once again, mankind needs to be saved from the burning drenches of hell, and come to salvation.

Jesus- But Father, You said I have another thousand years before I go back to Earth.

God-Don’t try to trick me again, Jesus. Don’t you remember the Medieval age. You could have stopped that, but instead, you felt like going forward in time to play Pong.

Jesus-C’mon, you had fun as well. You almost beat me that one time, but

God- Hey, that game had a glitch. But whatever. You must go down to Earth, and save mankind once again

Jesus- You can’t make me go, I’m part of mankind, I have free will.

God- Don’t make me get Loki to assert my wrath.

Jesus- I gave Loki a nu-gie last week, I doubt he’ll try anything on me again.

God- (sigh)Look if you do down to earth and bring salvation, I’ll..(sigh) by you a Playstation 3.

Jesus- Really!!! Great I’ll go, But I ain’t getting crucified again, That took a while to heal.

God- Fine, no crusifixtion, but you have to play the part of the nice Jesus, that means you are limited to only a few magic tricks, and no fighting Satan again.

Jesus- Fine, alright, here I go.

(monk-esque singing with fake latin lyrics)

Narrator: And Now Jesus returns to Earth to bring mankind to salvation, with a smile.

Guy 1: So as I was at this bar talking to this girl, when some random guy says, “Hey, seat’s taken,” and I say Oh really, I don’t see you name on it. Then suddenly He hits me in the face with a lead pipe, drags me out side, and begins to beat the living pulp out me.

Girl 1: Oh my god, so what did you?

Guy 1: Well, I couldn’t let him do that to me, so grabbed this 2 by 4 that was next to me and I hit him with it. Then suddenly, he runs away crying like a little girl, waaaa, waaaa.

Girl 1: wow, you are so brave. Hey I need to go to the little girl’s room for the moment. Be right back. When I get back, maybe we can go to my place.(cute laugh)

Guy 1: He He He

Guy 2: You tell the same exact story every time and the girls keep falling for it.

Guy 1: the secret is you gotta find one of them blonde girls, they’re more gullible then a 12 year old girl in R. Kelly’s recording studio.

(monk-esque singing with fake latin lyrics)

Guy 2: What was that???

Guy 1: I don’t know.

( more monk-esque singing with fake latin lyrics)

Jesus: It is I, the Lamb of God, The son of the Heavenly Father. That woman is married, and so are you. It is a sin my child to commit adultery. The only way to be saved is…

Guy 1: Excuse me, but before that lady comes back, I suggest you leave before she hears your evangelical hooligans.

Guy 2: Hey what are you wearing?

Jesus: Do you not recognize me? For I am Jesus, the son of the heavenly Father.

Guy 2: (on the side) hey um…I think we got a whack job talking to us.

Guy 1: Did you say your name was Jesus?

Jesus: Yes, the Lamb of God, It is a sin to commit Adultery. You are giving in to Lust, that is a mortal sin.

Guy 1: Hey, look Jesus(pronounce it hey zeus) I don’t need some crazy guy, who dressed up in costume a little early for Halloween, which I might add looks terrible, Jesus wouldn’t dress that bad, to tell me who to and more importantly, who not to sleep with. Okay.

Guy 2: Yeah, so Get out, or I’ll Make you get out.

Jesus: Your aggression is not need, But your soul is covered with sin and…

Guy 2: Alright that’s it.

Jesus: Hey what are you doing?

(sound of scuffle)

Jesus: AHH!!

(splash of mud)

Guy 1: Get outta here ya creep.

Guy 2: Yeah and say out.

Jesus: wow, this salvation thing is going to be harder than last time.

Narrator: Jesus has hit a little snafu there, but he keeps on truckin’

(monk-esque singing with fake latin lyrics)

Girl 2: what did you get on your final?

Girl 3: I got 90. Good thing I decided to use that cheat sheet you gave me. The questions were so hard. I would have never figured it out on my own. How did you get the questions in the first place?

Girl 2: I bribed one of the security guards to let me in to the building and to look away. A measly 200 dollars for a passing isn’t that bad.

Girl 3: So how did you answer the questions before the test? You know less about this subject than I do. You never even opened the textbook.

Girl 2: Well, I had to sleep with one of the upper classman to get him to answer the questions. I think his name was something like Jeff Connerson


Girl 2: What!!! I didn’t know I swear!!!

Girl 3: AHHHHHH!!

(monk-esque singing with fake latin lyrics)

Girl 2: What was that?

Jesus: It is I, Jesus, the Lamb of God, The son of the Heavenly Father.

Girl 3: Jesus??? You don’t look like Jesus. I’ve seen those renaissance pictures.

Jesus: That was just one interpretation of me. No human has ever laid eyes on me for 2000 years. Wait, Pictures?

Girl 3: yeah, like the ones that Italian dude pasted of Jesus on that ceiling of church, his name was Da Vanci? Da Alfredo? Da Fettuccine? Yeah Da Fettuccine. That’s it.

Girl 2: It’s Da Vinci. We learned that last year.

Girl 3: I still have to kill you. AHHH!!!

Jesus: You must stop. Wrath is a mortal sin. It is absorbing you whole body. You must not give in. And you, Bribery, deceitfulness, premarital sex. Your soul must be purged of all its evils or else you will burn in the depths of hell.

Girl 2: What are you talking about freak?

Girl 3: Yeah, you sound like my grandmother.

Jesus: Grandmother? I’m the savior of all of mankind, I’m Jesus. I’m the son of God, you know, the Heavenly Father, the alpha and the omega, and one that created all that is and what will be??

(as Jesus is talking, the wind blows.)

Girl 2: Oh My God!! You’re not wearing anything under that robe, EWWW!!!

Girl 3: You Perve!!!! Some one help, Flasher, Flasher!!!!

Jesus: Wait what????!!!

Girl 3: Some one help Flasher Flasher!!!(repeat 5x)

Girl 2: Flasher Flasher Some one help(repeat 5x at the same time as girl 3)

Jesus: Wait whoa whoa, Its me Jesus, hey, be quiet, hey, hey um…lamb of god….eh….shhh.. uh this ain’t good(at the same time as the girls yelling)

Policeman-What seems to be the problem??(rushed)

Girl 2: This creepy ragged bum is trying to flash us!!!

Policeman: Oh really!!! I think you need to think about what you’ve done. Its some jail time for you.

Jesus: What??? Wait wait You don’t understand…

Policeman: I think I do understand. I see some random bearded guy trying to show himself to some innocent girls. What would Jesus think if he came right now and saw what you were doing? I don’t think he would be very pleased.

Jesus: ugg, I should have gone to Italy first.

Girl 3: I’m still killing you

Girl 2: What?!

Narrator: Well, seems like Jesus managed to get himself arrested. (in normal concerned tone) Wait what? Jesus gets arrested, what kind of script is this??

Me: Just keep reading it, it gets better.

Narrator: (normal tone again) How do you managed to redeem yourself from writing a script were Jesus gets arrested?

Me: Who said anything about redeeming myself?

Narrator: (normal tone again) Fine, but if some Baptists decided to beat you up after this, it’s not my fault. (Clears throat)(Back to narrator voice) As I was saying, Jesus gets arrested, and is thrown in jail, but he soon to get a visit a much unsuspected visitor.

Bum 1: As I try to avoid the enemy, I searched for a weapon I could use to defend myself, then I found these rocks, and I started throwing them at the enemy as hard as I can. But alas they caught me.

Bum 2: so they took you to one of them Vietnamese prison camps??

Bum 1: Vietnam? I was talking about how I threw rocks at my enemy, the dogs at the dog pound.

Jesus: Wow, He even had me going.

Policeman- Hey, guy with the hair, you got a visitor. Oh you two, Get the hell out of here you drunkards.

Bum 1 and bum 2 mumbling.

Policeman- alright, he you can talk to him…um what was it, lucius??

Lucifer-(sigh) close enough.

Policeman-You got ten minutes.

Jesus-Great, what are you doing here Lucifer?

Lucifer-Jesus, why the long face? We haven’t seen each other since you spent those 40 days in the desert. I thought you’d be glad to see me.

Jesus-Maybe you were too busy possessing someone, but in one day I was thrown in the mud by these two guys, then I get arrest for some wind blowing by and lifting up my robe. So I’m a little bit perturbed right now.

Lucifer-Oh yeah, I was watching and thought it was hilarious. But I’m not here to make fun of you, well yeah I was, but that’s not whole reason. You see Jesus…

Jesus: Why should I listen to you, you’re the freaking prince of darkness, the beginning of all sin on earth.

Lucifer-true but…(pause)…well …there aren’t any buts, I started original sin. As I way saying, you see Jesus, this country, this world, has changed. Its no longer “oh thank god for growing the food we are eating today.” Today its “Hey Look food. I’m going to eat it, than I’m gonna go play with my xbox 360, that my dad bought with the money that he got from taking advantage of company stocks.” Well, they don’t really say it like that but you know what I mean.

Jesus: Now’s who fault could materialism and greed be, hmm??

Lucifer- Their own. That’s what he won’t understand. Free will, Jesus, is a beautiful thing. From Slavery, to feudalism to capitalism, it all leads to one place. My home and they created it because they wanted too. They won’t break from their own comfortable chains that mankind has created for itself. There is no one to blame but them. They deserve to be with me.

Jesus: Mankind is good in nature, born with a good soul; they need an image to follow for faithfulness and salvation.

Lucifer: They do follow an image. Their own desire is their image. They lust for greater things and will stop at nothing to gain it. They desire is insatiable. Their desire has blinded them from what is complete and total proof that what they are doing is wrong. It has blinded them from you, and they don’t want to see you. Why don’t you just stop, and let them be. You know they deserve it, I know they deserve it, they will know that they deserve it. Just sit here in this box, and let it be.

Jesus: You tried it once, over 2 thousand years. It didn’t work then, and you aren’t going to convince me now. Mankind is worth saving, it doesn’t matter if only 1 person is saved. It’s better than letting that innocent burn in your domain. The faithful will rise above their own desires. They will see the light and break away from your clouding darkness. Now if you excuse me, I have the world to save. Oh, and did you send that little wind to blow up my robe so I can get arrested and brought here.

Lucifer: Man is so predictable. But since you don’t want to give up, guess I will still have continue my path of mankind’s destruction. Peace. Hehe

Jesus: Wow, I need to speak with my father quickly.

(monk-esque singing with fake latin lyrics)

Narrator(in normal voice): See now that wasn’t so bad.

Me: It’s not done yet, keep reading.

Narrator: (announcer voice) After Jesus talks to God about his encounter with Lucifer, he is sent to an abortion clinic protest. (normal voice) Wait lets see the rest of this script. (random mumbling) Are you serious? You can’t have this ending.

Me: Hey, Dr. Boles approved it.

Narrator: (sigh) like I said before, Baptists, beating you up, not my problem.

(monk-esque singing with fake latin lyrics)

Jesus-Okay, I made a left at magnolia lane and it should be right here. Oh hey people.

(Everyone chants “Abortion is murder, Abortion is murder”)

Protestor 1-(yelling and angry) Shut down this Clinic or else!!

Protestor 2-(yelling and angry) People, we need to stop this disgrace of God!!! They need to be punished for their heresy!!!

Jesus-uggg, another inquisition, well, better show them the right way.

Protestor 1-(yelling) Hurry pass me that Molotov cocktail!!!

Protestor 2-(yelling) We need to hurry up before the Police get here. Hook that spike onto the car!!

(More Chanting)

(monk-esque singing with fake latin lyrics)

Protestor 1-Wait what was that?

Jesus- It is I, Jesus, The son of God. You must stop this injustice.

Protestor 2- (still angry) What injustice? We are doing this in the name of God. They have to be punished for their sins.

Protestor 1-(still angry) Yeah!! They Insulted us, and they Insulted god!!!

Jesus- If god was insulted, he would have rained down fire and brimstone onto this place. But why hasn’t he? I have preached, and you have forgotten, when slapped, turn the other cheek. You are about to retaliate with violence without seeing any wrong with violence.

Protestor 2- They deserve to die for using this instrument of Satan and we must bring it to them!!!!

(crowd yells, and begins chanting “Burn!!”)

Jesus: The Sixth Commandment States Thou Shall Not Kill!!!

Protestor 1: Killing in the Name of God is Not A sin!!!

Jesus- Killing of anyone for any reason is sin!!! You have warped the word of god to represent your own ideas, and to force them onto others, That Is heresy, that is means for punishment. To create exceptions, is to create sin!!!

Girl 2: Hey I know that guy!!!! He Tried Flashing me and my friend at school!!!!!

Girl 3: Yeah it was disgusting!!!!!

Jesus: What???!!

Bum 1- Yeah, that’s the same guy who was thrown in jail right before they let me and my friend out!!!

Guy 1- That’s the crazy guy who began to bother me and my friend while we were at a restaurant!!!!

Guy 2- Wait yeah!!! That is the same guy!!!

Protestor 1-(angry) How dare you dress up like Jesus and begin to spew your false ideals to these religious people.

Protestor 2-(angry as well) What are you? Some kind of Athiest!! How dare you mock us with an image that is most holy to us!!!

Guy 1- I say we beat him up, and send him back to where he belongs.

(crowd begins to agree by yelling “yeah yeah”)

Bum 2- Let’s get him!!!!

Jesus- Oh crap AHHHHH!!!!!

(sound of jesus getting beaten by evangelicals.)

God- Why have you returned so soon? Earth was not Saved from sin.

Jesus- I don’t want to talk about it.

God- but, um.. Jesus…oh well, guess I’ll send Moses this time. At least the Jews will be saved.

Be sure to mention this script to everyone. there is alot of people invovle in this script and i'm only gonna print out 4 copies, a dj booth, a recording booth, an extra and my own.

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