Friday, September 29, 2006

Quips, Quotes, and Quarelsome Notes

By Sarah Tanyhill, Amanda Moreno and Carolina Mishaan

This is a call-in radio show where listeners call in for advice on random things. The host will be J.J. He will sound very mysterious and monotone, a lot like “Wisdom” in Jenny’s Date. There will be random commercial breaks for sponsors of the show, and they will be for random, sometimes bizarre products. And the commercials will be hosted by Rich, who will be insanely hyper like he was in the Drug script.

Mr. Q = J.J.
Doctor = Rich
Caller #1 = Nate
Caller #2 = Amanda
Caller #3 = Sarah

Doctor: Welcome back to another episode of “Quips, Quotes, and Quarrelsome Notes,” we have the all-wise, all knowing, Mr. Q. ready to enlighten your lives with advice that probably won’t help you at all. Caller number one- what have you got for us tonight?

Caller #1: The past few days I’ve noticed a really odd infection- or something growing on my arm. It’s in the shape of the bodacious Dolly Parton and it seems to be getting worse as we speak. It his all started when I listen to country music for the first time last week-- Shania Twain’s “I feel like a woman” . . .Now that I think about it, I can’t get that song out of my head!

( Starts singing country music)

Caller #!: Oh my god! I’m practically possessed! What should I do about all this? Does it mean I am destined to be a country star? Am I a long lost relative of Dolly Parton’s? Am I a lost cause? You’ve gotta help me! I need some answers!

Mr. Q: Deep water and drowning don’t mean the same thing unless your dead.

Caller 1; Am I going to die?

Mr. Q; One potato two potato three potato, four. Five potato six potato seven potato more.

Caller 1; Excuse me.

Mr. Q; Why milk the cow when you can eat pizza?

Caller; Are you hungry or something, I got a real problem here.

Mr. Q; God built the world in six days but people still can’t believe it’s not butter.

(Commercial Break)

Doctor: We’ve got a great new product for all you die hard Hanson fans out there! It’s Mm- Pop, the deviously crisp new soda pop with as much flavor as there music had. . .five years ago. This sensational drink is so tantalizing to the taste buds it will feel as if the Hanson girls- I mean guys- are in your mouth. OH Yes, and for that 1% of the population that love Hanson- this amazing offer is not over yet. For just one nickel more you can have your own private Hanson concert. So you can have your hear mm bop while you drink your mm pop. The number is 555-555-5555. Once again the number is 555-555-5555. Call now, and now back to the show. Caller number two your on the line.

Caller 2; Hello Mr. Q. What does the Q stand for.

Mr. Q; People that live in glass houses shouldn’t ask stupid questions.

Caller 2; Uh

Mr. Q; If you teach a man to fish, who’s steering the boat?

Caller 2; Like what?

Mr. Q; If you can’t see the big picture, change the channel.

Doctor; Next caller your on the line.

Caller 3; Hey there umm. I have a really big problem. I borrowed my sisters diamond earrings
and then it fell down the drain in my teachers house while I was stealing answer for a the exam. Should I go back to my teachers’ house? Should I fake an armed robbery? Should I tell my sister the truth.

Mr. Q; When life gives you lemons, who gives you thirst?

Caller 3; Should I give her lemons?

Mr. Q; Why make lemonade, when you can make orange juice?

Caller 3; What?

Mr. Q; Forgiveness is Divine, patience is everlasting. If your laying down and watching T.V is
that multitasking?

Caller 3; Wait, who?

Mr. Q; When in Rome don’t drink the water.

Doctor; It’s time for another commercial break? Are tired of everyone calling you little Ms
sunshine? Is life too shiny and bright for you? Are you tired of looking at a glass as half full? From the makers of prozac when bring you nozac. This pill puts the un in unhappy. These pills are only 18.95 a bottle. If you call now will give you million dollar baby on tape. The number is 555- 555-5555. Again that number is 555-555-5555. Let the makers up prozac help you turn that smile upside down. That’s the end of are show join us next week, and remember we don’t care.

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