Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Quips, and Quotes, anbd Quarrelsome Notes

((this is what we have so far...we might write more.. ))

Quips, and Quotes, and Quarrelsome Notes
By Lily Velez, Amanda Moreno, Sarah Tanyhill, Madison Milowsky

This is a call-in radio show where listeners call in for advice on random things. The host will be J.J. He will sound very mysterious and monotone, a lot like “Wisdom” in Jenny’s Date. There will be random commercial breaks for sponsors of the show, and they will be for random, sometimes bizarre products. And the commercials will be hosted by Rich, who will be insanely hyper like he was in the Drug script.

CAST
Mr. Q = J.J.
Doctor = Rich
Caller #1 = Madi
Caller #2 = Sarah
Caller #3 = Walker


Mr. Q: Good evening, and welcome to this week’s edition of “Quips, and Quotes, and Quarrelsome Notes”--where I give you advice that doesn’t really apply to your problems.

Doctor: You have questions. We have answers.

Mr. Q: You can call in right now with your miserable plights. Our lines have just opened. Let’s take our first call, shall we, Doctor?

Doctor: Let’s GO FOR IT!

Mr. Q: All right, caller #1. You’re now on the air. What do you have for us tonight?

Caller #1: Hi, Mr. Q. (sniffling and crying as she speaks) I think--I think my boyfriend might be cheating on me…Should I cheat on him to make it even? Should I confront him…and then cheat on him? And when I do cheat on him, should I do it with his twin brother?

Mr. Q: Don’t throw stones in glass houses.

Caller #1: Uhm…what…?

Mr. Q: Have fun in the sun. Get laid in the shade.

Caller #1: But how--

Doctor: And now it’s time for A COMMERCIAL BREAK!!! (interlude music) Are you tired of looking at the world through two eyes? Do you feel your perspective on life is warped because of perfect sight? Then worry no more! Smitey Inc. is now introducing their new line of Black Velvet Eye-patches. It’s the new fashion, the new rave, the black. These things are selling like hotcakes. So call 555-555-5555 right now, and we’ll even throw in a talking parrot. (Walker does parrot noise here) Again, that number is 555-555-5555. Baaaaack TO YOU, MR. Q.

Mr. Q: Thank you, Doctor. I’ll be ordering my own eye patch after our show. Now we’re ready for caller #2. Caller #2? Are you there?

Caller #2: (ditz) Uh.. I was like.. Uh..like wondering if..uh, like what should I wear tonight for like.. Uh, my date? (ditzy laugh) I was thinking like.. Light pink, but then I thought like.. That’s way too bright, and like.. I thought maybe dark pink?

Mr. Q: Beauty is only skin deep. Unless you don’t have any skin.

Caller #2: Like.. What?

Mr. Q: If you take your fish for a walk… what’s your cat doing?

Caller #2: But I don’t have a fish…or a cat…uh.. Yeah…

Mr. Q: A wise man once spoke, and then he stopped.

Caller #2: Uhm…I don’t get it…

Mr. Q: All right, it’s time for out next caller. Caller #3, speak to us.

Caller #3: (as Cletis) I done sawed off my hand, wooooiieeeee, dang it hurts! This hurts more than when I wrestled them dang-gone wild hogs at Bubba’s ho-down three months ago. Dang, man, what do I do! What Do I Do!?!?

Mr. Q: Why fight the village when you can feed the dog.

Caller #3: Now, my dog don’t need no feedin’, Mr. Q! My hand’s dang near to falling off my arm here! I need help! My new overalls are turning red here!

Mr. Q: If the wind blows, it will carry you away.

Doctor: ALL RIGHT, IT’S THAT TIME AGAIN!!! COMMERCIAL BREAK!! (interlude music) If you loved their dog chow.. If you loved their chew toys…you’ll love their (Dramatic pause) CHILD. LEASHES. That’s right! For a limited time only, you can now purchase child leashes at the incredible price of just 19.99. But wait! We’re not done yet! If you call in the next 2.45499 seconds, we’ll even throw in a special feature. That’s right! The new 44 Volt RadioShack electric tazor, which you can attach to the collar of your child’s leash. And it doesn’t stop there! For just 4.99 more, we’ll even throw in some chew toys for your teething children, and why not, a few dog treats as well. Get those children in line! Thanks to Purina, now the Child can be man’s best friend. Call in now! Don’t delay! Don’t wait! This is the opportunity of a lifetime!

Mr. Q: (awkward pause) Doctor, thank you. Well, listeners, that’s all the time we have tonight for “Quips, and Quotes, and Quarrelsome Notes”. Thank you for tuning in, hear from us again next week, and remember…we don’t care.

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