Tuesday, September 12, 2006

final cheaters script

sorry this is posted so late. There's really not that much change, so if you've already printed out a copy I wouldn't bother printing this version out. . .it just has more audiece applause and sound effects, ect

Show Host: Rich
Dustin: Walker
Sally the Slut: Nate
Audience Member 1: Carolina
Audience Member 2: Nate
Audience Member 3: Sarah
Audience Member 4: Johnny



Show host: Good evening everyone, and Welcome to “Cheaters Never Prosper” where we expose your loving significant other for dirty cheating lowlifes they really are.
(applause)
Show Host: We’ve got an especially heart wrenching show ahead of us today. . . Here with us is Dustin, a Rollins freshman who suspects his girlfriend of three months of being unfaithful.
(gasps)
Show Host: So Dustin, why don’t we start with you telling a little about yourself and how this girlfriend of yours holds such a special place in your life.
Dustin: Well I just started school a few weeks ago as a biology major, and its been a pretty easy transition, especially being that I already knew my girlfriend, Sally before we both arrived on campus. Since then I’ve been pretty busy trying to get involved on campus and keeping my grades where I want them. Sally understands because she’s pretty busy as well. . .it seems like she’s all over the place these days.
Show Host: Ah, and that’s why you’re here with us today.
Dustin: (Sigh) Yea, I mean I really admire Sally. . .she’s so adventurous, so bold, and she’s never afraid to try something new. I feel more than just an average guy when I’m around her, but lately I feel we’ve become more distant. . . Every night it seems she has plans without me and I think there might be some one else.
Show host: Well everyone, sounds like we’ve got a cheater on our hands.
Dustin: Well, I’m willing to give her the benefit of a doubt. I just want the opportunity to talk things out between us. I hate the thought of being cheated on. It’s possible she could just be really busy- I mean she has been involved in a lot of on campus activities lately.
Show Host: She’s a cheater, Dustin. A dirty pirate hooker, if you will. The sooner you except this the easier the healing process will be. And there will be no talking things out- just painful realization and hurtful confrontation. That’s how we roll on “Cheaters never Prosper”
Dustin: Hey don’t you think you’re crossing the line just a bit? I really don’t appreciate you talking about Sal--
Show Host: I’m sorry Dustin, but we have a lot of show to get through so you’re gonna have to save your crying for the next commercial break. It’s about that time we show painfully embarrassing footage to expose Sally’s incriminating acts of whorishness!
Everyone Ready?!
(audience roars in approval)
Show Host: Alright then. Let’s see it!
(set darkens and screen drop down behind show host and Dustin)
(first incriminating photo appears, audience gasps)
Show Host: As we can see here, Sally is philandering with a rather nerdy looking creep from what I understand is the Star Wars enthusiasts club on campus. Wow that must be pretty embarrassing for you , huh Dustin?
Dustin: I- I don’t know what to say. I’m nothing special but there’s no way Sally’s cheating on me with one of these guys. I can’t believe-
Show Host: Sorry Dustin, I just hate to cut you off but we have a lot more painful cheating footage to expose to the world. Next Clip?
( audience ooh, awws, and gasps)
Show Host: Please tell me your girlfriend is not cheating on you with the president of the chess club. It’s like she’s adding insult to injury. What do you have to say about this one, Dustin?
Dustin: (becoming very annoyed) This is humiliating. Why did it seem like a good idea to sort out my relationship problems on national television?
Show Host: I don’t know, but It’s making for some great TV. My ratings are shooting through the roof.
( audience applause)
Dustin: (with sarcasm) Well I’m glad you people are amused. What’s wrong with you? Can you have some sympathy here- I mean I am a person and I-
Show Host: Alright Dustin I’m going to ask to stop talking for a few minutes. . .sit the next few rounds out, if you get my drift. Now let’s get back to business- Next clip!
(next clip appears, audience gasps and boos)
Show Host: O. My. I don’t think any kind of explanation can excuse this one. In all my years of hosting this show, and I don’t know if I’ve ever seen anything so repulsive. This is disgusting, I mean this is really, really, terrible. This is so shameful. . .For the first time I actually feel badly about being amused by something so unsettling
Dustin: Ok, Ok, I get the freakin point.
Show Host: (clears throat) As I was saying, this appears to be Sally with a member of . . .the bed wetter’s association?
(audience chatter)
Audience member 1: (stands and yells) Wait a minute! Hold on one second!
Show Host: looks like a member of our audience has something to add. Someone get her a microphone.
Audience member 1: Is this Sally the Slut? You are dating Sally the Slut? And you didn’t think there would be any infidelity in this relationship? I don’t know if you are aware of this, but part of her name involves the word “slut.”
( Sally the Slut, unable to sit backstage with dread, rushes onto the stage)
Sally the Slut: Yes I am Sally the Slut, and I am not ashamed. I will not just sit and take this anymore.
( audience gasps and everyone turns to look at Sally)
Show Host: O, about that. I really did not see this coming. . .So we are just going to cut to a brief commercial break, we’ll be right be back with more humiliation, scandal, and-
Sally: No! I won’t stand for anymore of this. Listen, Dustin, I am truly sorry about all this. . .I never meant for you to find out like this. But I am a woman inspired. I vowed to expand my horizons, to go where no woman has probably ever been before. . . To the chess club and even the bed wetter’s association. I want to hook up with someone from everyone from every club on campus.
Dustin: But Sally, doesn’t that make you sort of a whore?
(audience oohhs)
Sally: NO. I am from a mission from God and I will not be stopped.
Dustin: Sally, don’t you think this information could have been useful before we appeared on national television?
Audience Member 2: ( creepy nerdy voice) Hey I think Sally is on to something, here. It was really nice to have a girl, I mean an actual FEMALE at one of Dungeons and Dragons strategy conventions. ( creepy snicker) I mean, really nice.
Audience member 3: This is for Sally- Girl, I support what your doin- What you’re representin’ could empower women everywhere. Don’t let nobody hold you back- you ain’t no ho. You’re doin it, girl.
(applause)
Show Host: Yes. I’d say it’s safe to say she’s doing it.
Dustin: What?! Empowering women everywhere? Have you people forgotten that I’m being cheated on here?
Audience member 4: (gay guy voice) Oh Dustin, you poor little dear. With a woman as strong and admirable as Sally, its just hard to keep up with her sometimes. I’m sure she’ll give you a second chance.
Dustin: ME? She’ll give ME a second chance?
Show Host: Well looks we have a first on “Cheaters Never Prosper.” Our alleged dirty streetwalking lowlife has evolved into beloved icon for women everywhere.
Dustin: Now this is getting completely ridicu-
Show Host: I’m sorry Dustin, but the audience has spoken. Now Sally, why don’t you take a seat so we can talk a little more about this quest, this amazing journey to exceed the very pinnacle of all whorishness. What has it been like?
Sally: (sigh) My quest has not been an easy one. Many times I’ve wanted to give up- there are so many different clubs- it has been exhausting at times. But those times when I hit rock bottom, I just had to remind myself of what I’m made of. I’m not like any other Sally out there. I’m Sally the Slut and I will be a success.
(audience applause)
Show Host: That was amazing Sally; Such an inspired woman you are- with the compassion of Mother Teresa and the wisdom of Buddha himself
(more applause)
Dustin: (still annoyed) It doesn’t seem like the phrase “cheaters never prosper” applies to this show.
Show Host: Dustin, there is no need for the rage in your voice. I’m not afraid to get security up on stage.
Dustin: What?!
Sally: No, Dustin is right. I should have told him about my quest a long time ago. I just got too caught up in it all. Dustin, I’m sorry.
Dustin. (sigh) I guess I can forgive you if this is so important to you. I can’t say that I support all this or that we’ll ever get back together, but I guess we can talk things out when we both get back to Rollins
Show Host: Yes, because there will be no talking things out on my show. Things are already shaping up too happily for my taste. But that’s about all the time we have here today on “Cheaters never prosper” the show with more scandal than you can handle, and where you can always turn to when you suspect you have smelly lowlife cheater in your life.
(applause)

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