Friday, September 29, 2006

detective making skit (dont know a better name)

Detective Making Skit

JJ: Detective and JJ Detective- (do not use acting voice. Be normal)
Walker: Cleatus, Jack-(Always in character), and some sound effects at the end
Sarah: Mrs. Hamby
Seth: Director
Lili: Lili
Josi: Missy and Josi- Missy (not in character, just normal voice)
Eric: Vinny
John: Sheriff and some sound effects
Professor Boles: Assistant
Nate: Abul
Singers: Lili, Josi, Johnny, Sarah, Amanda, Carolina, Rich, Nate

(Music plays for 15 seconds before show, then fades away)

(Knocking)
Mrs. Hamby: (In a crying voice) Hello, Detective Larson. Thank you.
Detective: Have a seat.
Detective Voice: She was young. Barely in her twenties. I could tell she had been crying all night. Her black dress was askew, her hair was a mess, she looked as though she hadn’t slept in days. I felt for her.
Detective: How can I help you Mrs. Hamby?
Mrs. Hamby: Well, you see, detective… It’s my husband. He’s dead.
Director: CUT! Mrs. Hamby where is the emotion.
Mrs. Hamby: what do you mean director?
Director: I need emotion! You husband is dead. It’s something horrible, yet surprising. Let me hear it…horrible with an essence of surprise.
Mrs. Hamby: Ok I’ll try. How’s this… (more dramatic) He’s DEAD!
Director: Perfect! Yes, that will do. Let’s move on from there. Lights, camera, ACTION!
Mrs. Hamby (dramatic, like before) He’s DEAD!
Detective: How dead is he?
Mrs. Hamby: What do you mean? He’s dead. Cold dead. He was murdered.
Detective: How do you know he was murdered?
Mrs. Hamby: (no emotion) I just know. He was poisoned. I’m sure of it. Oh! His face! I can still see his pale face in my memory.
Director: CUT! CUT! CUT! That was all wrong. Mrs. Hamby! Where is that emotion again! Let’s try it again from Detective Larson’s last line. Lights… Camera…Action!!!
Detective: How do you know he was murdered?
Mrs. Hamby: I just know. He was poisoned. I’m sure of it. I can still see his pale face in my memory.
Director: CUT! What was that! That wasn’t even the line.
Mrs. Hamby: It wasn’t?
Director: No, it wasn’t. We have been trying to get through this scene for the last four hours….Why don’t you get it! And where is my frappochino! I need me frappochino. Does not one in here work anymore. I’m surrounded by incompetents. Let’s move on to another scene. Mrs. Hamby, I don’t want to see you until you get this right, if not then you fired. Fired from here and any other half-decent payin gig in this town. Let’s go to the scene four with Vinny and Detective Larson at the Rat House bar. ACTION!
Detective’s Voice: Another suspect. And sure enough, Barkeep was right, the old chump. Vinny busted through the door, making everyone’s head turn. The music stopped for a few beats. His mink coat made his fat body look fatter and his small head look miniscule. He slips his usual payment to the manager, Jaques, and makes his way to the back booth. I finish off my drink and headed over. The whisky speeds its way though my veins.
Vinni: Eyyyy! Detctive Larson! How’s your mother?
Detective: Dead. A while ago. Hurricane took her.
Vinni: It happens. Have a seat. Detective, have you met my new man, Abul?
Abul: It is nice to meet you Detective.
Detective: Like wise. Vinny, I’m looking for some information. There’s been a man poisoned. You know anything.
Detective’s voice: I could tell Vinny got the chills, but he’s not the kind of guy to show it. Abul stood still. He was a statue. He wore a brightly colored vest, which unusual in this black suited town.
(PAUSE for 5 seconds…count it in your head)
Director: CUT! What was that? Silence? There is not long pausing in this! VInny! What happened to you line?
Vinny: I forgot my line.
Director: You WHAT!
Vinny: I forgot…
Director: I heard what you said, I just can’t believe it. The line is: Detective, I have heard of no such act until now. Got it?
Vinny: Got it, Director.
Director: Good. Alright. Let’s start from Abul’s line. ACTION!
Abul: It is nice to meet you Detective.
Detective: Like wise. Vinny, I’m looking for some information. There’s been a man poisoned. You know anything.
Detective’s voice: I could tell Vinny got the chills, but he’s not the kind of guy to show it. Abul stood still. He was a statue. He wore a brightly colored vest, which unusual in this black suited town.
Vinny: Detective, I have heard of no such act until now.
Detective: Alright Vinny, I believe you. I hear you new guy is good with chemicals. Maybe he can come by the crime scene and tell me what he can figure.
Vinny: I would like to lend you my services. However, I am a busy man. I have things going on.
Detective: Just keep your ears open. That’s all I ask.
Vinny: Larson, you know I know you are a good man. You have done good work for me in the past. I will inform you if I hear of anything.
Detective: I appreciate it. Good Night.
Vinny: Detective! Who was the sorry son of a bitch?
Director: CUT!
Vinny: Oh, what now!
Director: Can we say that on the air? Assistant! Assistant! Where are you?
Assistant: right behind you, Director.
Director: Oh, Assistant. Didn’t see you there. Can we say that on the air?
Assistant: Yes, director. As long as it is in that phrasing and not derogatory, offensive, or degrading to women, female dogs, or to the public. Oh…well then…your mistake. Carry on. ACTION!
Vinny: Detective! Who was the sorry son of a bitch?
Detective: A Mr. Hamby. You know em?
Vinny: Mr. Hamby… Yeah I know em. He’s done good work for me as well. Shame.
Detective: Yeah. Damn Shame. Pretty little wife too. Good Night Fellas.
Detective’s Voice: Walking away. Seems like that’s what everyone does in this town. Why would a suspect admit they knew the victim? Poison killed Mr. Hamby, and that was Abul’s weapon. It doesn’t make any sense.
Missy: (peppy, happy tone) Hello Detective.
Director: CUT! Missy, I’m not liking your character. Lets try more seductive:
Missy: Sure director, anything for you (sigh)
Director: ACTION!
Detective’s Voice: Walking away. Seems like that’s what everyone does in this town. Why would a suspect admit they knew the victim? Poison killed Mr. Hamby, and that was Abul’s weapon. It doesn’t make any sense.
Missy: (ridiculously deep, dark, dreary tone. Almost pretending to be a man) Hello Detective.
Director: CUT! CUT! That’s defiantly a cut. OK, Missy, well you sound like a man. Lets try it like bore again, but with a more childish curiosity, if you will. ACTION!
Missy: what?
Director: CUT! What? What is what? Why are you asking me what?
Missy: what do you mean by childish curiosity?
Director: you should know. ACTION!
Missy: (undertone, quick sigh then change to happy tone) Hello, Detective.
Director: CUT!
Missy: What now?
Director: that was perfect. ACTION!
Detective: Hello, Missy.
Detective’s Voice: Missy Mayers. A waitress in this sad excuse for a bar. She was a pretty thing. Her hair always done right and her smile made the room shine. We had relations at one point in time. It was short. Too short.
Missy: I’ve missed you Detective. How have ya been?
Detective: I’ve been better. Missy, listen, have you heard about Mr. Hamby’s murder?
Missy: Oh yeah. All the girls from the Cat Club were talking about it when I worked there last night. Peoples are saying he was chopped in a million little pieces. Why would anyone do that? Oh, my goodness.
Detective: Missy! You need to let me know what you know. No messing around.
Missy: Well, I don’t know nothin. But stop by the Cat Club. Those ladies are all talk.
Director: CUT!
JJ Detective: (in normal JJ talk) what the heck! We were on a role!
Director: Oh, (emphasis on the ass) Assistant (quick giggle). I think we need two girls.
Assistant: Two, Mr. director? But that would change the script.
Director: No, but listen. Have the other girl mimic some lines Missy says…(enlightened) but in song…
Assistant: In song?
Director: Yes, mimicking, just like that…but in song. Yes, song! It is genius! I am a genius. Bring in Lili. Lili!
Lili: Yes, Director? Sing for me. You know what to do.
Lili: I do?
Director: You do. Mimic Missy and sing. Just sing your heart out. And Detective Larson, just improve. DO IT! From the top. ACTION!
Missy: Hello Detective.
Lili: (Singing) Hello Detective.
Detective: Hello, girls.
Detective’s Voice: Missy Mayers. A waitress in this sad excuse for a bar. She was a pretty thing. Her hair always done right and her smile made the room shine. We had relations at one point in time. It was short. Too short.
Missy: I’ve missed you Detective. How have ya been?
Lili: (singing) I’ve missed you too, Detective. Probably more than this slut. How have you been?
Detective: I’ve been better. Girls, listen, have you heard about Mr. Hamby’s murder?
Missy: Oh yeah. All the girls from the Cat Club were talking about it when I worked there last night. Peoples are saying he was chopped in a million little pieces. Why would anyone do that? Oh, my goodness.
LIli: (singing) Yeah, what she said. It’s pretty creepy.
Detective: You two need to let me know what you know. No messing around.
Missy: Well, I don’t know nothin. But stop by the Cat Club. Those ladies are all talk.
Lili: Or stop by my place later. The Cat Club girls are all talk.
Detective: Always a pleasure, sweetheart.
Missy: Detective, wait. Ask for Nikita. You know ‘er?
Lili: Detective, do you know Nikita. And if you do, then why are you cheating on me? I saw you checking her out.
JJ Detective: (in regular voice) What the hell Lili?
Lili: (not singing) What the hell with you. I saw you looking at her ass.
Director: CUT!!!!!!! What is going on here people?
Lili: This (condisending tone) Detective Larson has been cheating on me. I just know it. After eight long months, this is how I am repaid.
JJ Detective: There is nothing going on.
Lili: Oh yeah, what about your secretary?
Detective: What are you talking about? You are being ridiculous.
Director: EXCUSE ME! People, if you don’t mind take you relationship crap else where. We are trying to create a radio hit here.
Detective: I’m sorry, director. She is just being needy. I mean ever since I started watching the OC she thinks I pay more attention to Misha Barton than her.
Director: Get out! Both of you, just get out! (Pause) well, actually, I need you in the next scenes. So…um….after the show is over, just get out! And, are you kidding, the OC…really. I mean common man, that’s a little homosexual. Laguna Beach is the real oc. Let’s skip the Cat Club scene…actually…let’s skip it all and go all the way to the end. This is a scene for characters Jack Black, Mrs. Hamby, Detective Larson, and random Sheriff cameo. In this scene, Missy has already been murdered, Vinny confessed to his actions but is innocent, and Jack… where are you Jack?
Jack: (In Jack character) I’m right over here.
Director: Alright, good. You, Jack, earlier, you spoke to Detective Larson and gave him an alibi for Mrs. Hamby, but also putting your name in the clear when you still accused her of still taking part of the murder. In this scene, are hiding in the closet and then come out after Mrs. Hamby confesses to you and her having an affair and paying Vinny to kill of Mr. Hamby in order for you two to run away together with his money. Got that, Jack?
Jack: Um…I thinks…
Director: Good. ACTION!
(Something falls and makes crashing noise)

Detective: What was that?

Jack: It was me.

Detective’s Voice: Ol’ Jack Black. That chump was hiding in the closet as I was getting me confession. Then it hit me. CABO. Jack got his lighter in Cabo, Mrs. Hamby went to Cabo with a lover. Jack is her lover. They wanted Hamby’s money.

Jack: So you have figured it out, have you, Larson?

Detective: Looks like it. I don’t get one thing.

Jack: What that?

Detective: Why did you blame the murder on the wife?

Jack: Well, I didn’t. I said I thought she may be the murderer, just to throws you offs, and then I told you her alibi. It was a perfect alibi, up until you went end sniffed around. You just gone and done the dumbest thing of you life. This isn’t some bar room brawl, these are the all or nothing days. The days that crime rules the street, and peoples will do anything to get ahead. I wanted the money, she had the money, now I am going to have it all. Because, in case you didn’t notice, Detective, Mrs. Hamby and I are now wed, and I have full control of her handlings now that she is dead.

Mrs. Hamby: Jack, darling. (nervous laugh) I’m not dead.

(Walker: Over acted/ Fake Gun Shot) POW POW
Director: CUT! CUT! CUT! (low voice) what was that. Can someone tell me (gradually yells) what the heck that was?! Assistant!
Assistant: Yes, Mr. Director?
Director: Explain to me why we do not have an actual, real sounding gun shot?
Assistant: Tight budget, Mr. Director. We just don’t have the money for those effects.
Director: Oh. Well…um… Let’s move on then. Let’s continue from Mrs. Hamby’s line. ACTION!
Mrs. Hamby: Jack, darling. (nervous laugh) I’m not dead.
(Walker: Over acted/ Fake Gun Shot) POW POW
Jack: Nows you are (evil laugh).

(Walker: Fake Sirens)

Detective Voice: I can hear the sirens. Back up is close. I am going to take this smuck down. I tense.

Jack: Your ganna have to catch me first.

Detective’s Voice: I get angry. Angrier than I have ever been. The blood rushes though my veins. I want this son of a bitches head on a platter.

(Walker: Punching sound)

Detective: (sound of being punch in the stomach) (OOph or arg or something)

Detective’s Voice: Dumb ol’ Jack opens the door. To find Sheriff Paterson and four coppers around me.

Sheriff: Hold it! It’s all over Jack.

Detective’s voice: I can see cold, steel handcuffs being put on Jack’s lanky wrists. I can taste satisfaction. Better than any feeling in the world, even whisky.

Sheriff: You are under arrest for the murder of Mrs. Josi Hamby, assisted murder of Miss. Missy Mayers and Mr. Hamby. You are comin down town.

Cleatus: Excuse me. Is this the casting for the new Laguna Bog?

Director: CUT! Who the hell are you.

Cleatus: I’m CLeatus.

Director: (Calm) Well, hello Cleatus. (Angry) What the hell are you doing in my show?

Cleatus: Them security guards pointed me over this way. I’m looking for the Laguna Bog show. They moved it from last time I was here.

Director: Well it isn’t here!!! Get out!!! OUT, out, out! Assistant, get him out.

Assistant: Yes, Mr. Director. Right this way Cleatus.

Director: oh, I’m getting a head ach. From the top. Action…just Action now.

(Something falls and makes crashing noise)

Detective: What was that?

Jack: It was me.

Detective’s Voice: Ol’ Jack Black. That chump was hiding in the closet as I was getting me confession. Then it hit me. CABO. Jack got his lighter in Cabo, Mrs. Hamby went to Cabo with a lover. Jack is her lover. They wanted Hamby’s money.

Director: CUT!

Detective: What now…

Director: I have just had a revelation. Yes, once again I am a genius. Assistant?

Assistant: (annoyed) Mr. Director, what is it now?

Director: We need more singing again.

Assistant: more singing, I don’t know…

Director: Yes, singing. Let’s improve it! Actors stay in character , but (excited) bring in back up singers. Let’s start from when the sheriff busts in. Yay! this will be fun.... (pause) ACTION!

Sheriff: Hold it! It’s all over Jack.

Singers: Hit the road Jack, and don’t you come back no more, no more, no more, no more, no more. Hit the road jack, don’t you come back no more.

Jack: You cant get me copper.

Singers: Can’t touch this. Da da ta da, ta da, ta da. Can’t touch this.

Detective’s voice: I can see cold, steel handcuffs being put on Jack’s lanky wrists. I can taste satisfaction. Better than any feeling in the world, even whisky.

Singers: Babe, I got you babe. I got you babe. I got you.

Sheriff: You are under arrest for the murder of Mrs. Josi Hamby, assisted murder of Miss. Missy Mayers and Mr. Hamby. You are comin down town.

Singers: Bad boys, bad boys, what you ganna do. What you ganna do when they come for you. Bad boys, bad boys.

Jack: You cant keep me locked up forever coppers. I’ll get a lawyer. And I’ll get out. I’ll get you Larson…(fading away) mark my words, I’ll get you!

Singers: Hey, hey. Bye Bye Bye (Bye Bye Bye). I know that I cant take it no more. It aint no lie, I wanna see you out that door. Baby Bye Bye Bye.

Director: CUT!....that…was… AMAZING! Yes! I am a genus. I am amazing. People said they didn’t think I could do it, but I did. I did it. This show is going to be a hit! Yay! Oh, good job everybody. You can all go now. Assistant! Get me my limo. Get me Spielberg on the phone. And get me my damn frappochino!

(Music plays for 15 seconds)

Comments:
don't forget it is radio we are doing, so lights, camera, action don't exactly cut it, it will need a bit of tweaking.

this could be fun if everyone keeps their energy up throughout the whole piece.
 
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